We’d like to thank the following predecessors:
The late Milton Erickson, M.D., from whose work most modern covert
persuasion techniques are directly derived;
Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the developers of Neurolinguistic
Programming (NLP), who first deconstructed, clarified, and codified
Erickson’s work, and then proceeded to radically, dramatically advance the
state of the art;
And Ross Jeffries, who applied NLP to the process of seduction, and
publicized the critical discovery that women rationalize erotically-charged
metaphors as being innocently poetic, even while they find themselves
being aroused…
Women and men are different. They experience emotion differently;
they experience language differently; they experience sexual arousal
differently. You can learn to arouse a woman’s emotions and
sexuality with words alone.
What is this book about?
This book is about how to get a woman aroused and attracted to
you very quickly—within the space of minutes.
This book is not about dating. This book is not about becoming a
nicer, more caring, more sensitive guy. This book is not about specifying
exactly how many days you should wait before calling her, or what kind of
cologne to wear. If you’re the kind of person that wants that kind of book,
be my guest—there are plenty out there. This book is not meant for that
kind of person.
On the other hand, if you’re the kind of man that wants to learn fast,
efficient, direct, reliable real-world techniques for getting women physically
and emotionally aroused, this book is meant for you.
To use what this book will teach you, you don’t need looks, money,
or youth. You don’t need a limo, a Lear jet, a swimmer’s body, or a moviestar’s
All you need is the ability to say words out loud.
From this book, you will learn the following:
· How to seize a woman’s attention
· How to engage and stimulate her emotions
· How to rapidly arouse her body without even touching her
· How to make her feel things she reads about in romance novels
· How to speak in ways that unleash her emotional needs
How can one little book teach you all this, in ways that are easy to
learn and use? By isolating crucial principles, like these:
· The structure of female emotional experience
· The structure of female language
· The connection between female language and emotion
This book is about how female sexual arousal works, and how you
can use women’s built-in sexual systems to give you pleasure.
I. Monkey Hear, Monkey Feel
Many years ago, I was sitting at a café when a fairly averagelooking
man in his late thirties sat down nearby a striking young blonde of
nineteen or twenty. She paid no attention to him. Within a few minutes,
though, he had started telling her of how she resembled a friend of his in
college. He went on to talk about how much he’d loved college, and how
much he’d enjoyed traveling when in college, and how much he’d enjoyed
meeting people in college, and how much he’d enjoyed travelling and
meeting people and getting laid when in college. He went on and on,
talking about how friends of his had travelled to Berlin, and been picked up
by strangers; how he had gone to Paris, and been picked up in a café; how
wonderful it was to suddenly become attracted to a stranger. He proceeded
to recount increasingly improbable stories he’d read, he claimed, in the
newspaper, of a drunken man climbing in the wrong window and making
love to a woman not his wife; of a woman who decided to quit her boring
job and start her own business, the moment she found herself falling for a
stranger who entered her workplace one day; of a rock band questioned by
the police because of sex acts they were alleged to have performed with
groupies during a public performance. Etc.
The stories this fellow told were increasingly unrelated; in fact, they
were linked only by their theme: Sex.
And was the young lady upset or embarrassed by this?
Well, her face and upper chest were certainly red. And she began
to quiver in her seat. And she often seemed to stop breathing entirely. And
her mouth was slightly agape, and her pupils looked as big as nickels.
So, no, she wasn’t upset—she was really turned on. In time, when
the man’s friend and ride appeared, such that the man had to go, the girl
ripped open her purse and hurriedly scribbled her number without the man
even asking for it. She made him promise to call her.
As you can imagine, this incident gave me some food for thought.
In case you’re wondering, the man’s success in this case wasn’t
dependent on extraordinary luck—the chance of finding the one woman in
a million aroused by such talk. Actually, very very few women won’t be.
When I have free time, I go to a bookstore or a college campus, find a
pretty girl I’ve never seen before—and one, frankly, who likely is not in the
least bit attracted to me–, say things that would have seemed preposterous
to me even a few years ago, and thereby get her so worked up I can play
with her body, then and there, to my heart’s delight.
Words are tools for giving other people new experiences; if
someone else hasn’t seen a whale rise up and spout water into the air, yet
you have, you can put the things you saw, heard, and felt at the time into
words, convey these words to your listener, and your listener will begin to
imagine the experience. As he or she begins to imagine the experience,
he or she will begin to feel some of the sensations described, because the
unconscious mind must identify with an experience, must feel it, in order to
understand it.
As it happens, the approach taken by the man with the young
blonde was successful—but it was also terribly, terribly inefficient.
You can arouse women much more quickly, and this book will show
you how.
II. Women are Different
Pretend you’re on a street corner, about to cross. Just before the
light changes, a strikingly pretty young woman appears beside you. You
smile and say, “Hi, I’m Bob. Let’s have sex!”
Odds are, that approach won’t work. Neither, likely, will removing
your clothes and parading what you’ve got. And no, suddenly pawing her
won’t get you anywhere either, except possibly the nearest police station.
The thing is, were a pretty woman to approach you and do any of
the things above, would you not, at the least, be tempted to have a sudden
fling? If she were sincere, wouldn’t there be a fair possibility that you and
she would soon adjourn to the nearest motel?
Obviously, men and women are different. Different things turn them
on. Different approaches engage their engines. Women typically want to
wait before sex. Guys want sex NOW.
Men often wonder why women seem so indirect and hesitant when
it comes to sexuality. In a sense, they really aren’t so terribly hesitant—
they’re eagerly waiting to respond to different signals than the ones men
feel and usually send. Because women respond so easily to language,
and because men don’t usually bother learning how to use language in the
very particular (and to men, very bizarre) way that women need and use it,
most women are left unsatisfied. They have a built-in, automatic,
enormously responsive sexual system of which men rarely avail
This sexual system has a key.
It’s as if a man is constantly pounding, pounding, pounding at the
side door of a woman’s home, thinking it’s the front door; and the woman
waits, despondently, disappointedly, behind her front door, waiting and
waiting for someone to ring the bell. Eventually, after she has a few drinks
or gets really lonely, or if the guy pounding away is really handsome, rich,
or sensitive, she might answer that side door (which is often locked and
barred, and something of a hassle to get to), but there’s always the
thought—Why doesn’t anyone just come in the right way?
This book is about showing you the right way; this book is about
giving you The Sexual Key.
III. Aural Sex
Imagine saying to a woman, “I want to speak…to the deepest
part…of who…you…truly…are.”
Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, it sounds ridiculous to men.
However, this kind of language sounds poetic and deeply erotic to women.
Over the course of this book, you will learn the patterns and principles
involved in turning women on, fast, with words alone.
For purposes of seduction, the most important and immediately
accessible female sexual organ is the ear.
In order to give women the emotional experiences they fantasize
about, and getting them incredibly aroused and sexually responsive
fantastically quickly—in order get what you want–you’re going to learn to
use words in an entirely new way.
Some of the things you will find yourself saying will sound
You will do this, because you will learn for yourself that things which
sound laughable and preposterous to men can be irresistibly erotic for
It’s like this: The ear—what you tell her–allows the rest of her to feel
turned on, whether by imagery or bodily feelings.
Does this just mean saying, “I really really really love you” a lot?
Nope. Saying I love you/need you/want to marry you, etc., has very very
little to do with what we’re talking about.
Let’s get scientific for a moment. Researchers have performed
functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging studies— the brain imaging
procedures known as fMRI scans–on both women and men as they
listened to language. They then compared the two groups’ results.
Is there a difference?
Basically, women use both halves of their brains to understand
words. Men, on the other hand, pretty much just use the logical half. So
women analyze words and speech logically, as men do—but they also plug
in their emotions.
Women don’t just interpret words logically; they also experience
them emotionally.
Men are turned on by imagery—seeing or imagining a naked
woman (or naked man, as the case may be).
Women are turned on by language, which allows them to feel
comfortable and aroused by the experience of seeing or imagining a naked
man. Once you understand this fact, and know how to use particular words
in particular ways, turning on women becomes very, very easy—as easy
and automatic as turning on a man by showing him a pretty girl as she
slowly removes all her clothes.
And learning exactly, specifically how to use language to rev
women up is what this book is all about.
Let’s back up a bit.
Men need only see a not-hideous naked woman to get sexually
aroused. Men then want to take action, and have sex with this woman–
there and then, preferably.
Women are aroused by the sight of an attractive naked man, and
aroused by the thought of sex, but then other processes kick in. They
consider the many, many possible consequences of sex, including
pregnancy, the shattering of their existing relationships, and so forth. They
can be aroused, but then have thoughts about being aroused, which can
easily neutralize this arousal.
Women have feelings about feelings, and feelings about feelings
about feelings, and those feelings at the top of the hierarchy—the complex
feelings about the simpler feelings–are the ones that matter most, and the
ones that determine whether or not they stay for that nightcap after all.
For example, a woman’s arm might be brushed by a man’s hand.
The physical feeling is of warmth and friction. She might be excited by this.
In addition to physically feeling warmth, and physically feeling excitement—
in the sense of a quickened heart rate, focused attention, heightened
muscle tone–, she might also, emotionally, feel eagerness. Her eagerness
might lead up to a feeling of lust. Her lust might lead up to a desire to “open
herself” more emotionally. Her desire to open herself emotionally might
lead up to a desire to open herself physically. This might lead up to a
memory of the last time something like this happened. This might lead up
to a sense of shame, which might lead up to guilt, which might lead up to a
sense of powerlessness, which might lead up to anger. If anger is the
emotion that the other feelings lead to, it’ll take precedence over “simpler”
feelings, things like excitement, lust, and so forth. Her abstract values and
emotions will override the pleasures of physical stimulus, and might even
make that stimulus physically unpleasant. Voila, you have a pissed-off girl.
Most men’s emotions aren’t nearly so complex.
Whereas male sexuality is driven most intensely by bodily feelings,
female sexuality is driven by bodily feelings as mingled with feelings about
those feelings—emotions. Emotions, though rooted in the body, are
shaped and guided by words.
Now it’s time to move from concepts to specific techniques.
1. Men and women process language differently.
2. Men and women process emotions differently.
3. Words, for women, produce strong emotions.
4. Women tend to experience long chains of emotional responses to a
given physical event; the emotions at the far end of the chain, the most
abstract emotions, tend to be much more important for her than the
physical event at the beginning of the chain.
5. You can rapidly arouse women by using words in very particular ways.
IV. Pumping Feelings into Other People
Before we examine the structure of female emotion, and therefore
how to rapidly induce intense emotional states in women using words
alone, we’re first going to cover some basic techniques for ramping up
anyone’s feelings.
We’re going to look at how you communicate powerfully.
Communicating powerfully is about inducing emotional states in other
people. Not random emotional states, because everyone induces
emotional states in other people all the time—oftentimes, the wrong
emotional states–but specific emotional states, the emotional states you
want, the emotional states that will produce the results you want and give
you real satisfaction.
Let’s consider, briefly, some of the tools and principles of powerful
A. Verbal Stimulation. First, the principle of stimulation, also
known as “The Pink Elephant Principle,” because when I tell you not to
think of a pink elephant, not to imagine its pink trunk, not to think of its tail
flicking back and forth, not to think of its big floppy pink ears, you inevitably
think of a pink elephant anyway. To make sense of what I’m saying, you
create in your mind some experience of a pink elephant—what it would
look like, or the sounds it would make, or what its skin would feel like under
your hand. What you describe, your listener will experience, if only to
understand what you are saying. The more vivid your description, the
more your listener will respond as if he or she is directly experiencing what
you describe, with all the emotions that follow from the experience.
B. Don’t Equals Do. This is a corollary of the Pink Elephant
Principle. When I tell you not to do X, or that there’s no such thing as X, or
that X is impossible, you still imagine X and feel a response to X. “There’s
no way you can use words to touch women’s deepest emotions and arouse
them fantastically quickly.”“Don’t think about using these techniques over
and over again, until they’re as natural as breathing.” “Don’t think about
what it would feel like to fall in love right now.” “There’s no way you can fall
in love with me.”
C. Imagery. Make your description vivid by using specific sensory
details—colors, sounds, textures. You can make reference to a lagoon, or
you can evoke an experience of a bowl of water nestling, hidden between
two high banks, with the light blue water’s surface glittering beneath the
sun, one edge churning beneath a small waterfall, the tiny crests created
by the falling water glinting again and again, as the water moves in a
leisurely flow into the jungle which surrounds it. Words exist to create
experiences in those who hear or read them—the listener converts what he
or she hears into visual images, tactile feelings, sounds, smells, and tastes.
You can make the listener’s experience much, much richer by stating
explicitly what to see and hear and feel. When you do this, your listener,
instead of needing to interpret your language with her intellect, will respond
with her imagination, and therefore her body and her emotions. Abundant
imagery can entrance her and lead her into a fantasy world.
D. Similarity. Similarity creates emotional connection, agreement,
and comfort—the more similar your listener feels, the more thoroughly she
will respond physically and emotionally to the imagery you present. Also,
the greater the degree of rapport—the greater the degree of comfort and
connection–, the more easily and readily will she supply relevant meanings
for whatever vague, abstract language you employ. Simply put, the greater
the degree of your rapport with your listener, the more persuasive and
powerful your words will be.
That said, how do you create rapport? Number one, Matching your
listener’s outward expressions—that is, her bodily rhythms and physical
state. Number two, acknowledging or, better yet, seeming to match your
listener’s inner world—that is, her perceptions, beliefs, and assumptions.
1 You can match your listener’s bodily
expressions in some of the following ways: Adopt your
listener’s posture, so that if she’s standing, you stand
also; if her arms are crossed, you cross your arms also;
if she’s plowing her hand through her hair, you run your
hand through your hair also. For that matter, when she
blinks, you can blink also; when she inhales, you can do
the same. You can even talk…at the same tempo…that
your listener…breathes. This is called hypnotic tempo,
and has a very… powerful… impact… on whoever…is
listening. Your mirroring should become more and more
exact; subtle and partial at first, then more and more
complete. Typically, when it comes to rhythmic
behavior, like blinking, a feedback loop will be
established: she’ll blink, you blink back, and then she’ll
blink back faster, etc. Matching someone’s behavior
causes them to feel similar to you, and as the feeling of
similarity strengthens, they’ll begin to match you in
2 You can also match someone’s beliefs,
emotions, and ideas. In fact, when you say several
things in a row which match someone’s beliefs, they
start focusing on what you’re saying to the exclusion of
other input. Why? Because you are giving them the
truth, as they perceive it, and the unconscious mind, the
instincts crave good, accurate feedback. Therefore,
when you tell people things that match what they already
believe or which match what their senses tell them, they
feel close to you, focus on what you’re saying, and
respond much more powerfully to whatever you tell
them—in fact, if you say many many things in a row
which match their beliefs, they will go into the focused,
emotionally engaged, emotionally accepting state we call
E. Vagueness. How do you know what to say, in order to match
your listener’s beliefs? Well, sometimes you don’t know—so just use
vague language, language that doesn’t specify how what you are talking
about looks like, feels like, sounds like, tastes like, or smells like. Let your
listener’s imagination fill in the gaps. Why should you use vague language?
Because if you have rapport—if you are matching the listener’s beliefs, so
that your listener begins to instinctively trust what you say—your listener
will fill your vague, abstract language with content which is meaningful and
appropriate to her. If you say, “I saw a great painting the other day—its
colors were rust and purple and yellow and black,” well, she might not think
those colors are the basis of a beautiful painting. You might break rapport.
If you just say, “I saw a beautiful, beautiful painting the other day,” and look
and sound as if you were, at that very moment, seeing a beautiful painting,
that would likely be quite sufficient to help her feel as if she was seeing a
beautiful painting. An abstract word, a word with no specific sensory
information—no indication as to what should be seen, heard, felt, smelled,
or tasted—is like a big net being dragged through the ocean. An empty
word, backed by rapport, gathers meaning and substance, just as the net,
though empty, catches fish, and gathers weight. The greater your rapport,
the more likely your listener will fill the net with meanings that he or she will
agree with, which in turn will deepen her rapport and lead her more deeply
into a receptive state. This is why many hypnotists, and many politicans,
and many preachers, beyond a certain point in their presentations, speak
almost entirely in abstractions. They’ve matched your beliefs, secured the
trust of your instincts, and built emotional momentum, so now they can be
increasingly vague while the vague things they say seem increasingly true
and feel increasingly compelling. Be specific, describing things in terms of
the senses, to engage the imagination; be similar, to create rapport; and
then be vague, to encourage your listener’s imagination and emotions
forward in the directions you’ve established. Once you secure rapport,
vagueness intensifies rapport.
F. Stories. When you present a story, your listener tends to go into
a trance state and feel the emotions that the characters in the story feel—
and then they will apply these emotions to the present moment and
situation. This is why good public speakers so often tell stories—they’re an
express lane to the emotions. When you tell lots of stories about people
getting excited and being motivated and making lots of money, for
example, your listeners will start to get excited and motivated and they’ll
start thinking about making money. When you tell someone stories about
people falling in love or people having sex, she’ll start to think about what
these things feel like, and she’ll become aroused.
And because you are talking about other people’s experiences,
your listener will tend not to be embarrassed—after all, you aren’t telling
her to fall in love, you’re telling her what your friend Karen felt like when
she fell in love.
When you use stories, you can even insert direct commands to your
listener, without taking responsibility for them. “So the guy said to this other
guy, ‘I want you to remember this! Use lots and lots of stories! People eat
stories up and feel what you describe!’” “My friend Julia said this Italian
man suddenly stood up, gripped her chin, looked in her eyes, and said, ‘We
are going to make love tonight!’ Strange, huh?”
G. Stimulus-Response
Emotions are associative; they get linked to particular stimuli, and
one of these stimuli can later revive that emotion, even if there’s no logical
connection between the stimulus itself and the emotion. If, for example,
you had a truly wonderful sexual experience last week with a woman
wearing capri pants, you may suddenly find yourself feeling very good the
next time you see someone wearing capri pants, even if you don’t
remember why. Your lover may use a particular tone of voice when she
says your name as you are having sex; the next time she uses that voice,
even if she’s telling you to take out the trash, it may mysteriously evoke
good feelings inside you. You may use hand-motions, tones of voice,
touches, or anything at all which someone’s senses can register in order to
create a stimulus-response link (NLPers call these links “anchors”). The
stronger the emotion felt at the exact instant the anchor is set, the stronger
the emotion evoked when the anchor is “fired” later. The more unusual the
anchor, the less likely its force will be diluted in other contexts (a
handshake, for example, is not a good choice for an anchor—someone
already has lots of associations with handshakes, and is likely to shake
hands with many different people and while feeling many different emotions
after you set it).
1 What you describe, others imagine and feel and experience internally.
This is called The Pink Elephant Principle, or stimulation..
2 When you tell someone not to X, or that X is false, they still
momentarily imagine and respond to X.
3 Use imagery and sensory detail in your descriptions—specify what your
listener should see and feel and hear and smell and taste. This
intensifies the emotional power of what you are saying. It also engages
the imagination and tends to induce a trance state, such that the
listener stops analyzing and naturally responds powerfully.
4 You create rapport and emotional comfort and connection through
similarity. You create similarity through mirroring someone’s bodily
movements and rhythms and/or by saying things which match
someone’s beliefs and perceptions. When you say many things in a row
which match a listener’s beliefs, you tend to induce a trance.
5 Use abstractions and vague words to maintain rapport.
6 Tell stories involving emotions and sensations to rapidly induce those
same emotions and sensations in your listener, in ways that allow her
to feel safe and comfortable.
7 Emotions get linked to sensory stimuli. You can reintroduce the linked
stimuli (the “anchor”) in order to reintroduce the emotion.
For more information, read our first book,Gut Impact, available from
V. A Taste of the Bait
You may be wondering, If women like language so much, what kind of
language do they like? Is it really so different from what men like? Well,
judge for yourself.
1 Imagine someone saying to you, in a very dramatic, emotional
way, “I want to speak… to the deepest part… of who… you…
truly… are.”
Do you find that statement compelling? Do you find it fascinating,
alluring? Does it in fact speak to the deepest part of who you truly are, or
does the phrase “the deepest part of who you truly are” seem meaningless
or pretentious or ridiculous?
Most men would give you a very funny look if you said that; while
you can get them to the point where they would respond powerfully to that
statement, it would require a good deal of preparation and trance-inducing
oratorical skill. (For the record, a trance is a mental and physiological state
during which some sensations are ignored and other sensations, or
thoughts, or experiences are experienced very, very powerfully—it’s a state
which is ideal for learning, and it’s the state you tend to enter when
something really grabs your attention, for example, when you’re falling in
love or reading a book or listening to a really good speech.)
Most women would also give you a very funny look if you said
something like “I want to speak to the deepest part of who you truly are,”
but it’d likely be a different kind of funny look. Their eyes might widen, their
pupils might dilate, their lips might even part. Far from requiring a trance
state to be acceptable, this is the kind of statement which, to women, is so
acceptable and eagerly sought that it tends to induce a trance state on its
own. When you say something like that, women tend to shut up and listen.
2 “Imagine your heart spreading open, unlocked in a way it’s
never been before, and feeling my heart’s energy come inside
you, my heart’s energy coming inside you again, and again, and
again, as powerful and rhythmic, as sure and relentless, as the
ocean’s salty tide.”
Most men would think that statement was a) utterly trite, an
example of the worst and most banal cheap bullshit sentiment imaginable;
and b) blatantly, obviously, even alarmingly sexual.
Most women would find it somewhat trite, yes; somewhat heated,
yes; but above all emotionally compelling and deeply erotic. The obviously
sexual imagery would be rationalized, experienced primarily as imagery of
a perfectly legitimate and appropriate passion.
It’s not the kind of stuff men often say, but it’s the kind of stuff
women wish men would say.
3 “It’s as though what you most want to feel is locked away,
locked in a box of oak and iron, and then suddenly you meet
someone who holds a gleaming, golden, oiled key. And this
key, inlaid with designs of the most unearthly beauty and
intricate workmanship, slides deeper and deeper into the lock,
slides so deeply that you wonder whether it will ever stop, until
at last it strikes home, and you feel it turning against the lock’s
inmost chamber, turning…turning…turning…until it clicks, and
the lock seems to shudder, and at last the box spreads open,
and you feel all that you’ve so long wanted and waited…and
waited…and waited…to feel begin to flood through you.”
Again, while that kind of thing is called “purple prose,” and you’d
probably throw away a Tom Clancy-ish technothriller if it had dialogue like
that inside, this is exactly the kind of stuff that can get women who know
nothing about you aroused and attracted to you really fast. Notice how
much imagery there is—the words paint explicit pictures, and word-pictures
bypass your listener’s intellect and go straight to the right-brain, the seat of
the imagination and emotions. Notice also how much redundancy there
is—and it’s okay to say basically the same thing over and over, for a couple
of reasons. First of all, when you tell a woman something, you aren’t only
giving her information, you’re giving her an experience, and if the
experience feels good, she’ll want to feel it again. Words, for women, are
experiences. Second, almost everyone is highly repetitive in conversation.
In speech, unlike the newspaper or a technical manual, redundancy is
Finally, you may have noticed how sexual the language in that
example was. I mean, come on–an “oiled key” slides into a box which
spreads open and shudders?
Did you notice how sexual that image is? Good. Women won’t. Or,
more precisely, if you present stuff like that with a straight face and seem
perfectly earnest and sincere, women won’t mind—in fact, they’ll like it a
lot. If you act as if you don’t realize you’re being sexual, they feel free to be
sexually aroused by what you’re saying—because, hey, you’re not talking
about sex, you’re talking about a key and a box, or an ocean wave
pounding the shore, or a flower being made wet by the morning dew.
Remember, women really do process things differently. When you
use sexual metaphors, and seem like you don’t realize you’re being sexual,
women will a) get very turned on by what you’re saying (assuming you
deliver it well, and we’ll cover delivery later) b) rationalize that you’re not
being sexual, you’re being passionate and romantic and poetic—and
therefore it’s okay if their own lustful, depraved imaginations lead them to
sexual thoughts and feelings…
1. Women like very different kinds of language than do men.
2. Women like highly descriptive, metaphorical, image-filled language.
3. Words for women are emotional experiences; they therefore enjoy
redundancy, because each repetition creates an experience.
4. Language that seems redundant, overwrought, and over-the-top to men
often seems poetic, romantic, and erotic to women.
5. Language that seems blatantly sexual to men is easily rationalized as
poetic, romantic, and socially-appropriate by women, even though this
language may arouse them sexually.
VI. Frankie Say, “Relax”: How to Evoke Specific Emotions in Someone
You can make your listener feel an emotion simply by talking about
that emotion.
How and why does this work? Remember what we refer to as The
Pink Elephant Principle: Anything you describe to someone, that person
imagines, simply to understand what you are talking about. The better you
describe that experience, the more fully your listener understands and
experiences it.
How do you describe something well?
1) Specify the experience in terms of the senses. That is, describe
what can be seen, heard, felt tactilely, smelled, and tasted as
part of the experience. Also, describe what can be experienced
internally and subjectively—make an effort to convey every
subtlety and nuance of your experience, no matter how strange
those nuances might seem from a logical, objective
perspective—describe what you imagine, say to yourself, and
feel in your body as you process the experience. If, when you
find yourself falling in love, it kinda-sorta seems as if there’s a
glow around the other person, mention that perception. If, when
you find yourself struck by a wondrous idea, a bing sound goes
off in your head, mention that perception. If, when you find
yourself feeling excited, the feeling is almost as if there are
tingly red clusters of plasma-like energy shooting up from your
palms to your shoulders, describe the feeling that way.
Basically, you should allow yourself to elaborate on every
aspect of the experience as thoroughly as might a wine critic,
savoring a particularly fine vintage. The more you describe, the
more your listener will understand and feel.
2) As you describe the experience, look and sound and act as if
you are feeling the emotional state you are describing. The
more you look as if you are feeling what you are describing, the
safer your listener feels in following that experience. Bear in
mind that people, particularly in English-speaking and Asian
countries, tend not to be very expressive or skillful with the
nonverbal subtleties of communication; the more expressive you
are—the more you look and sound and gesture and act as if you
are intensely feeling what you are describing—the deeper the
emotional response you will elicit. Being very expressive is a
major component of what is sometimes called charisma. On the
other hand, if you don’t allow yourself to be expressive—if you
don’t show emotion—you will tend to elicit weak or
unenthusiastic responses from people. For that matter, women
tend to desire more emotional expressiveness and intensity
than most men demonstrate—so allow yourself to be more
expressive than you think seemly, because, by and large,
women find expressiveness and “passion” deeply attractive.
Being emotionally expressive makes it much, much, much
easier to get laid.
Let’s suppose you want to get your listener to trust you.
Example: “What’s really great is when you find yourself sharing a
deep sense of trust with someone. Know what I mean? You know,
the kind of trust that feels like there’s this soft golden bubble, this
pool of energy, holding both of you inside, warm to the touch, softly
soothing you and calming you, a feeling so warm and strong that it
begins to flow inside you, deepening your sense of safety and total
trust, expanding, spreading wide like wings, so much so that the
feeling itself seems to say to you, your own sense of what you need
and feel says to you, ‘You are safe, you are protected, you can
open to this experience and feel and accept this experience
completely.’ Now, with me, this feels great—this, with me, is the
feeling. Maybe you feel good about feeling this feeling too. This kind
of trust, real trust, this kind of trust is a great feeling, now, isn’t it?”
At this point, you may be thinking “That’s insane! No woman would
listen to that kind of garbage without laughing at me!” It’s a
reasonable reaction. But it’s wrong—that belief is what keeps men
from getting laid, and keeps the women they meet from feeling the
emotional satisfaction they intuitively know they can have. You’ll
learn more about this kind of language, and why it works, as you
progress further into this book.
Let’s suppose you wanted to make your listener “excited”.
Example of an impoverished, ineffective description: “I had a good
time playing football Saturday. It was pretty exciting.”
Example of a rich description: “I had a good time playing football
yesterday. It was pretty exciting. I was so focused, the experience
was so intense, that everything outside the game seemed to blur.
You know, like the only thing that mattered was the game. And
everything inside the game got hyper-sharp, all the colors and lines,
all the faces, were just incredibly clear and focused, and the clearer
everything looked, the more I felt pure excitement just ramp up
inside me. It was as if every time I moved in to tackle someone, I
just saw that person as if through a microscope—I could see the
sweat glittering on the guy’s face, the blood under his skin, all the
fear and rage and intensity inside him, you know? Everything
seemed amplified, as if we were all wearing mikes, and there were
loudspeakers in my head, everything pounding and crashing and
colliding—the louder things became, the more exciting everything
became. It was such a rush that I could feel waves of energy—this
is gonna sound funny, but like hot red columns of light were just
shooting from my shoulders to my gut, getting hotter and hotter, as I
felt myself getting stronger and stronger, more and more excited…”
Et cetera. As we’ll explain later, women really like it when you
ramble on and on, even about things that to you may not seem like they
need to be said.
Here’s an example of evoking a state of passion. It dwells on
putting together software, just to remind you that you can use any activity
to evoke any emotional state.
Example of a poor description: “Well, I spent Tuesday night writing
Example of a rich description: “Well, I spent Tuesday night writing
code. Coding can actually be a very powerful experience—you’re
creating this world of absolute possibility, within which anything can
happen, but you’ve gotta build it out of matchsticks. Some people
may not see how this can be the case, but with me, the more I think
about it and experience it, the more I connect it to a sense of
passion. It can be completely enthralling, like it’s pulling your
attention irresistibly, a whirlpool sucking you in. Imagine building a
skyscraper out of matchsticks. Everything has gotta be perfectly
balanced, perfectly set—and all you’ve got is your own
determination, your focus, your ability—really, your ability to feel
passion. The passion begins with a hard, solid sense in your gut—
and as it grows stronger, this hard dark solid thing begins to feel like
a drum, pounding and pounding, pounding and pounding, deep
inside you. Everything else seems trivial, and your intensity, your
passionate sense that this is hugely valuable and important, gets
stronger and stronger—and paradoxically, the more focused you
are on the experience you’re creating and you’re now inside, the
more whole you feel. It’s as if in surrendering to the experiencing of
giving yourself completely to this, feeling every part of yourself,
every ounce of your ability to feel, totally devoted to this, the more
you find yourself learning and growing. Every little flickering
character on the screen challenges you to find the one that should
come next—or the one it really ought to be. You’re being
challenged over and over again, and you sometimes want to pound
your fist through the screen, and the screen seems to grow larger
and clearer in your mind—everything seems to be growing larger
and clearer all the time, as you become more and more consumed
by this, in ways that feel more and more intense and rewarding, as
you begin to feel that this aura of pure possibility begins to radiate
out from deep inside you, and your thoughts become as penetrating
and piercing and focused as a laser, able to make anything melt,
through the heat of the desire inside you, and this laser begins to
make you feel more and more in touch with what you truly want, as
everything that it’s melting seems to combine all your doubts and
inhibitions, carving away your fears, refining and strengthening your
excitement and intensity, so as you realize those old things are now
melting inside you, your passion and desire and intensity just get
stronger and stronger, as the laser gets brighter and hotter …”
Yes, that description seems crazy. Still, such language has a
powerful effect on women.
You may have noticed that the speaker mentioned the states he
was trying to evoke over and over again. On the page, it doubtless looked
repetitious. In conversation, though, people, especially women, are usually
quite comfortable with repetition, for reasons we’ll cover later.
You may also have noticed that each state was described in a
number of different ways. That is, the description portrays passion as a
balanced building of matchsticks, pounding drums, a laser, etc. Are these
descriptions logically coherent? Nope—and they don’t need to be. They
just need to paint pictures in a female listener’s mind.
Bad Poetry=Deep Arousal.
You may have also noticed that some of the descriptions present
the symbol as doing different things. That is, the Laser of Passion in the
example above focuses, melts, carves—it’s a Ginsu knife of cheesy
metaphor. Why? For the greatest effect, make every image you conjure up
with words go through at least three transformations, with every
transformation accompanied by some emotional shift.
If you’re comparing surrender to, say, the experience of a droplet of
water, at the moment it crosses over the edge of the Niagara Falls, say
something like this: “At the moment it breaks from the stream–the moment
its simple, forward progress is interrupted—the moment it breaks from
routine and its old life, there is that moment of shock—but then, as it twists
and turns in the air, as it begins its descent, as it expands and spreads
wide, there is the feeling of discovery, the feeling of possibility. Sometimes,
you know you’re experiencing something intense, and you just have to
open up and take it all in. And as the droplet finally slams into the raging
surface below, its false, internal limits broken as it joins the wider river, it
spreading surfaces are overcome with joy at having been able to
experience this surrender, knowing that the experience will now lead to
even more powerful experiences, just because the experience of surrender
to something powerful and important is now deepening in intensity…”
Talking about a single thing evolving through physical and
emotional states tends to have a stronger effect than talking about a
sequence of unconnected things, each of which happens to occupy
different physical and emotional states. Evolution creates a narrative;
presenting description in the form of a narrative makes emotional
identification easier. The thing which undergoes changes becomes a
character, and therefore “someone” with whom your listener can
emotionally identify.
To evoke a state, talk about it at length and “paint a picture” of the
state with words, while acting as if you are feeling it yourself.
1. To evoke an emotion well, use a great deal of sensory detail. Specify
what was sensed both externally and internally—what you saw as well
as what you pictured in your mind, what you heard around you as well
as what you said to yourself.
2. To evoke an emotion well, look and sound and act as if you are feeling
the emotion you are describing. The better you demonstrate it, the
better she’ll feel it.
3. Describe your images as going through at least three changes, every
physical change accompanied by an emotional change. When a
particular thing undergoes a series of changes, it becomes a character
within a storyline, and a creature with which your listener can identify. In
this way, even inanimate objects can become characters and sources
of emotional identification.
4. Talk and talk and talk about the emotion you want to evoke.
VII. Female Emotion
How and why does this stuff work? Why does language turn women
In order to really get a handle on this effect, it’s helpful to remember
that men and women process emotion very differently.
How so?
A man experiences an emotion like he would a hand that is
punching them or caressing him. The feeling is sharp, sudden, localized,
and temporary.
A woman’s emotions are much more intense. She experiences an
emotion as though it is something immense, all-enveloping, impossible to
ignore—as though it is an ocean in which she is completely immersed. For
her, an emotion isn’t one part of the picture; emotions determine the
picture. How do you think about that meeting next week when you are
flailing in ice-cold water? How can you be worried about that project when
you are in a profoundly relaxing sauna? Women experience emotions as
places or tangibles—their emotions are the environments within which
physical events, which are comparatively unimportant, tend to occur. To
convey an emotion to a woman, you should describe it as a place, a space,
or an object with qualities you can see and feel and touch and hear. (“The
feeling is so powerful that it’s like a red laser which just pierces your
rationalizations, you know?”)
For a woman, then, emotions determine perceptions. What she
feels right now is going to determine how she experiences things right now.
Her perceptions of past, present, and future events are subject to revision,
based on what she’s feeling at any given time.
Given the intensity of female emotion, it makes sense that women
seem to have different priorities than men, and to focus on different things
as being meaningful. A woman experiences facts, incidents, physical
events within the “objective”, external world as the thin black outlines of a
picture; her emotional responses to the facts of the physical world are the
colors of a picture, and the colors’ intensity and power can easily render
facts and objective data trivial by comparison.
Next we’ll examine how the female experience of emotion relates to
the female experience of language.
1. Women’s emotions are stronger and more compelling than men’s.
2. Women feel emotions as if the emotions are huge physical places
which they are inside or solid, tangible things whose impact they can
physically feel.
3. Women’s emotions determine their perceptions and sensations—if they
are not prepared for something emotionally, they will still react badly to
it, even if it feels good physically.
4. Women’s emotional responses are more meaningful and compelling to
them than the “real-world” and “the facts”.
VIII. Female Language and Female Emotion
Female emotions are comparatively complex.
Female language is comparatively complex.
The complexity of female emotion seems directly related to the
complexity of female language.
With women, you can use rich language to generate rich emotions.
For women, emotion connects powerfully to language, so let’s
examine the differences between the way men and women deal with
For men, language is informational. We listen in order to gather
facts and thereby accomplish our objectives more easily. We say things so
that people around us understand what we want them to understand.
Speech serves the same function as the newspaper.
For women, language is informational, but it’s also emotional. It’s
not just news, it’s experience. It’s not reading the newspaper, it’s playing in
the sprinklers and eating ice cream and pretending to be a ballerina and
going to a junior prom and dancing and cuddling and kissing in the
bleachers. Remember what we said before—women use more of their
brains when interpreting language than do men. Language, for women, is
connected with emotion. They get their emotions out, and find out what
their emotions are, by talking—and this works the other way around, too.
By listening, they take emotions in. You can very quickly get them to feel
powerful emotions by describing powerful emotions to them. Words, for
women, are emotional tools, just like hammers and saws are, for men,
physical tools. Both reliably produce solid results.
Words, for women, are rich experiences, things to felt and savored.
Words, for women, are as powerful as bombs or bouquets. When you
speak to a woman, you have the opportunity to create a rich, colorful,
intense experience which transports her into the world of her own
fantasies. When you give her what she dreams about, she finds it easy and
natural to give you access to her body.
What does she dream about, and how do you give it to her? To
learn the answer to these, we need only examine that source which women
so often consult, and of which they are often so ashamed: the romance
novel. Literally fifty percent of the books which are sold each year are
romance novels. Obviously, they help to meet a powerful need.
Now, the obvious assumption is that the need they are meeting is
the one advertised in the genre name: “romance,” with all its connotations
of beautiful, chaste heroines finding fulfillment atop castles set on wind26
swept moors, this in the arms of rich, roguish, yet passionate swordwielding
It’s true that the content of the fantasy is part of the romance novel’s
appeal. But a very, very powerful part of the romance novel’s appeal is its
form—specifically, the particular way that it uses language. Adjectives and
adverbs fly freely. Description is lush and elaborate. Most importantly, this
richness of description is not limited to things one can see and hear and
¨ The crucial, driving element of the romance novel—the feature that
allows it to hook so deeply into the fantasy lives of so many women—is
its use of words to describe subtle, complex emotions.
¨ These “subtle, complex” emotions are second- and third-order
emotions, that is, emotions about emotions, and emotions about
emotions about emotions.
¨ Rich, layered descriptions of intense emotional states will induce those
emotional states.
A simple feeling is something like this: “The sun feels warm on my
skin.” A complex feeling—a feeling about a feeling—a meta-feeling—is
something like this: “The sun feels warm on my skin, and this makes me
feel alive and renewed.” Somehow the physical feeling leads to a metafeeling
of “renewal”—and the meta-feeling will be more important for a
woman than the physical feeling that kicked it off. Meta-feelings, for
women, explain and make sense of physical feelings. (Men make sense of
meta-feelings, to the extent they have them, by relating them to physical
feelings and things they can see and touch and hear.)
For women, abstract concepts like “communication” and “love” and
“relationship” and “connection” and “destiny” determine the meaning of
physical events. So, as we’ll explain in greater detail later, you can get her
to experience and interpret physical events the way you want her to by
relating these physical events to abstract ideas that she likes. Connect the
physical events you want to take place with the abstract concepts that she
values, and she’ll perceive the physical events through the lens of those
concepts—the physical events will then become valuable to her.
Meta-feelings are often more complex than the simple example
about warmth and renewal we just gave, because women’s emotions easily
cascade—one emotion leads to another, which leads to another. Here’s an
example of somewhat greater complexity: “Feeling how warm the sun is on
my skin sort of makes me feel alive and renewed. It makes me feel like my
life is now in the kind of space where it’s safe to be open, and this lets me
know our being together like this is meant to be—it’s fate, it’s destiny.”
Notice that our
hypothetical speaker got
from feeling sunlight on
her skin to feeling that
you and she were
“destined” to be together.
Was her chain of
reasoning logical? No.
But it’s not really a chain
of reasoning—it’s a chain
of experience. You can
easily build experiences
just like that one, and a
woman will find them
meaningful and
Men tend not to
get wrapped up in metafeelings.
Emotions about
emotions, to the extent
that men feel them, tend
to pass fairly quickly, and
not feel that intense in the
first place—certainly men
feel them less intensely
than women do. Men are
driven most strongly by
physical feelings and their immediate thoughts and responses to these
physical feelings.
For women, on the other hand, meta-feelings are what life is about.
Objects and actions—the things men care about—are, for women, just
convenient things which give them an opportunity to experience metafeelings.
A facts or an action, for women, is like a clotheshanger; mounted
on it, like a glorious, glamorous Gaultier dress, is an emotion, and which do
you think matters—the dress or the hanger?
As we said before, facts and objects, for women, are just the
outlines of the picture; the important, compelling, meaningful part of the
picture is the emotional coloration. And the colors can easily contradict and
overwhelm “the facts”.
Metafeelings, for women, are very meaningful and very powerful;
basically, the meaning of an incident or an action is the meta-feeling, the
emotion, it produces. Emotions lead to other emotions, and the further
removed, the more abstracted a metafeeling is from the basic sensation—
the more metafeelings in the chain between a given metafeeling and the
primary sensation—the higher the metafeeling is in the hierarchy of a
woman’s priorities, and the more influential that metafeeling will be.
To understand this hierarchy, pretend you’re looking through a
microscope. The physical event is furthest from your eye—it’s down at a
little plate at the bottom. Imagine there are various plates of glass, color
filters, lenses, and so on, between the physical thing way down there and
your eye. The further one of the intervening things, like a color filter or a
lens, is from the object, the closer it is to your eye, and the more it will
affect the way you see the object. A speck on the lens right in front of your
eye, though actually tiny, will appear huge, and may even block out or
radically distort the appearance of the physical object you’re supposed to
be looking at. Meta-feelings are like the various things between the
physical object and the eye—they modify perceptions of “real-world”
Words, as we know from fMRI scans, produce greater emotional
response among women than men; in a sense, women use words in order
to stack emotions atop one another, and thereby create complex emotional
responses. Words, for women, are the linchpins of emotion. (At first
glance, this contradicts what has become an academic cliché, the
association of words with the left-brain, and with the male psyche, and the
emotions with the right-brain, and the female psyche; perhaps a more
sophisticated way of viewing the matter is that the emotionally detached
use of language is a male province. For men, words have less richness,
less savor, less power, than for women.)
1)These stacked, abstracted, higher-order emotions tend to
baffle, or seem trivial, to men. The idea of “being in a space where
I feel open to relating to you in a way which allows us to be physical
and allows me to feel good about feeling you inside my heart like
this while still feeling like I’m really being true to myself” seems, to
men, at best unnecessary, and at worst insane. However, the
female reliance on very complicated psychological processes is a
good thing! Why?
2)You can emulate the structure of these metafeelings in
your speech. You can talk the way women think and feel. By talking
in the way of romance novels, by talking in the way that women talk
to each other and to themselves, you can induce the very powerful
emotions which women associate with this kind of language. You
can very incite the kind of passion that most women dream about,
just by talking to women in the specific way that they need.
Note that while some of these examples may have lots of words,
the pattern is simple: Physical Feeling or Real-World Stimulus or Emotion
X leads to Emotion Y, which leads to Emotion Z. Z is more meaningful and
powerful and persuasive than Y, and Y is more powerful than X.
X leads to Y, which leads to Z.
(Example: “Awareness” leads to “connection,” which leads to “love.”)
Z modifies and determines Y and X:
Y, to a lesser degree, modifies and determines X.
I feel Z about Y, which comes from my experience of X.
The further you go up the hierarchy, from X to Y to Z to AA to BB to
CC, etc., the more abstract and intangible the concept will become, and the
closer it will be to her sense of “identity”—that is, who she “is”, what she
deserves, what she’s destined to experience, how she relates to God or
Allah or The Force or The Universe, etc.
And the further you go up the hierarchy, the more the abstraction
you’re dealing with will modify and determine—will frame—the things that
lead up to it.
1. Women experience emotions as environments or physical things.
2. You should describe an emotion to a woman as a place or something
you can see or hear or feel or taste.
3. Men process language for information.
4. Women process language both for information and emotional content.
5. Words, for women, produce strong emotions.
6. Meta-feelings are emotions about physical events or other emotions.
7. The more abstract the meta-feeling, the more influential it is.
8. Women stack abstract words on top of each other in order to create
9. You can stack abstract words atop one another to create strong
emotions in women.
10. The more meta-feelings, the more emotions that you describe as
following from a single event, the deeper the responses you elicit—
each new emotion you describe sends her further into herself and
generates a stronger emotional response.
11. Remember: women tend to have built-in, detailed fantasies connected
with words about emotion. Therefore, saying an emotional word (e.g.,
“connection,” “trust,” “sharing”) will tend to cause a woman to feel
something of what you are talking about. Using several such words in a
row will tend to send her to an inward fantasy-land—that is, put her in a
light trance, within which we’ll feel very good and very emotionally
An example of
concepts. Notice
how a physical
experience, a
physical feeling,
leads to
more abstract
The more
abstract the
and the higher it
is in our
diagram, the
more powerful
and influential it
will be. In this
case, “destiny”
meaning for—
and frames the
shown below it.
IX. A Clarification
The last chapter was pretty complex, so let’s consider it from a
different angle, so that what we’re getting at is perfectly clear.
Men relate to primary experiences—whether a chair is physically
comfortable, whether a deal makes a certain amount of money, whether
something looks good or not. Women relate most to evaluations of and
feelings about experiences, and feelings about their feelings.
For a woman, the important thing is not whether a chair is soft or in
good condition or squeaky—the important thing is how she feels about the
chair being soft or in good condition or squeaky. What’s even more
important is how the way she feels about the chair’s physical attributes
relates to feelings about things which are even more general—the way she
feels about her life, and what the chair suggests to her about herself. Is she
being authentic? Is she challenging herself? Is she feeling connected with
herself or those around her? Is she following her destiny?
With women, the important thing is less the sensation than the
value or the emotion.
Women easily and instinctively connect real-world, physical
experiences—things that can be seen and felt and heard and touched—
with concepts about what those experiences “mean”. She makes
connections between real-world things and emotions and abstract
concepts, and the emotions and abstractions are much more important
than the real-world things that led to them.
Why is this important?
Because you can choose any emotion or experience, and add the
phrase, “this gives you a feeling of X.”
X, for our purposes, should be something pleasant, because it’s
what she’ll start to experience as you talk about it. Women naturally think
in, and experience, chains of emotion. X leads to Y leads to Z.
For example, you might tell her that a feeling of comfort leads to a
feeling of serenity and this leads to a feeling of being open to new
experiences. Being open to new experiences, you might continue, leads to
a feeling of knowing that you are growing and developing and in touch with
your path.
None of these things has any necessary connection—but if you
present one emotional state as leading to another, women will follow along
and experience what you are talking about. Women’s emotions cascade—
one leads to another, and the more abstract the emotion, the more
meaningful and powerful it is for her.
You can move her from one emotion to the next even more easily
by putting pleasant metaphors between them. Bridge the gap with imagery.
Say when you feel X really powerfully, it’s just like walking on the beach
and feeling the waves caress the sand; and when you really feel that
powerfully, it gives you a feeling of Y, which is just like when you gaze into
the eyes of someone you are falling in love with, and that can really lead to
a feeling of Z, which is just like feeling wings on your back, and knowing
you are meant to fly….etc.
The metafeelings, the emotions, you induce should become
increasingly close to her values. In a seductive context, if you haven’t
elicited her values yet—if you haven’t learned why she does what she does
and what things she looks for and thinks about when making choices—you
can usually rely on generic feminine values. We’ll cover this more later, but
they include things like connecting emotionally to someone special, a
sense that emotional relationships drive everything else, believing that
somewhere, there is Mr. Right, The One guy meant for her; believing that
there are certain emotional experiences she needs and does not need at a
given time; believing that life has phases during which some things are
appropriate and other things aren’t, and that there are few things more
destructive than doing something, especially sexually or romantically,
which isn’t right for her, during this phase, or in the “emotional place” she’s
in; and believing that emotions and irrational, unexpected things like fate
tend to overpower, and so must take precedence over, things like plans
and beliefs and wishes. For women, emotions are what makes things
possible or impossible—of course that’s pretty much true for everyone, but
women have that in the forefront of their minds.
Pleasure and success for a woman come in part from realizing and
remembering that she can experience more emotions, and more complex
and more intense emotions, than she’s felt thus far.
To evoke strong emotional states in a woman, presuppose that any
emotion she feels leads to a deeper one, which she can be reminded or
encouraged to notice. As you describe it in overwrought sensory-rich
language (“a bright blue flower spreading wide inside you, its soft moist
petals glittering with dew, deep inside your heart”), she will begin to feel the
emotion you describe.Any emotion X (example: “joy”) can lead to emotion
X+1 (example: “true joy”) or emotionY (“surrender”). Remember, the labels
for emotional experience are arbitrary.
X. You Say Tomato, I Say Delicious, Glistening, Nutritious Meal That
Makes Me Feel Renewed and Alive: Emulating the Direction of a Woman’s
Thoughts for Rapport and Arousal
The direction of a man’s thoughts is forward; the direction of a
woman’s thoughts is inward. That is, men reason from one event in the
world of senses to the next event in the world of the senses, and the
meaning of the first event is the impact it has on that second event.
For example, buying a new fire-red sports car, for a man, might
“mean” impressing more women and therefore having sex with more
Women, by contrast, reason inward—that is, they relate a physical
event, or an emotion, to their emotions and their values. The meaning of an
event is the emotional response it produces. And a given event will often
set off a chain of emotional responses, each emotion able to lead to a
“deeper,” more abstract emotion.
For example, buying a new fire-red sports car, for a woman, might
“mean” finally coming to accept and celebrate her sexual desires and
desirability. Accepting and celebrating her sexuality might “mean” feeling a
sense of freedom. Feeling freedom might “mean” the opportunity to
discover more about herself. Discovering more about herself might “mean”
feeling more connected to who she truly is. Et Cetera.
Note that the “meanings” in the female list were abstract—that is,
they were beliefs, ideas, emotional states, as opposed to physical events
(such as having sex with women who are irresistibly attracted to your car).
An abstract emotion is one that doesn’t include descriptions of things you
can see with your eyes, touch with your hand, or hear with your ear—
something abstract is something without sensory detail. And the “deeper”
the emotion—that is, the more abstract the emotion, and the more that
emotion relates to such subtleties as a woman’s sense of “self,” sense of
“destiny,” sense of “emotional growth,” and so forth—the more important
that emotional response becomes in determining a woman’s choices and
How is any of this relevant to getting laid?
You can make a woman feel emotionally connected and sexually
attracted to you by saying things that match her thought pattern.
Why will matching her thought pattern arouse her? Matching her
thought pattern will arouse her because sex, for women, is above all a form
of communication, and communicating really well generates rapport;
communicating really really well creates strong rapport and also sexual
This is not the same thing as matching her thoughts.
Matching her thoughts, too, can be potent, but doing this well
requires that you know her thoughts.
Matching her thought pattern, by contrast, requires only that you
know one simple pattern, whatever her particular thoughts at a particular
moment might be.
Emotion N…
Emotion 2à
connection to real selfà
Example: tensionà
packing up house, preparing to moveà
By verbally emulating the way a woman thinks and feels, you make
it easy for her to feel the emotions you describe.
How do you emulate a woman’s thought patterns? You emulate a
woman’s thought patterns by verbally suggesting that every physical event
and every emotion leads to another, “deeper,” more abstract, more
powerful emotion. A pleasurable physical stimulus—the warm feeling in
your legs that come from bicycling, for example—you can say leads to a
sense of “comfort,” which in turn leads to “peace,” which in turn leads to
“connection with yourself,” which in turn leads to a sense of “knowing who
you are.” This sort of chain tends to seem preposterous to men—it started,
after all, with warm legs—but this is the kind of emotional chain which
seems eminently reasonable to women. It’s the way women experience
things. And if you describe experiences in this way, you make women feel
good and make it easy for them to feel the emotions you describe.
To describe things in a way that’s compelling for women, end every
description with “…and this gave me a feeling of X,” where X is whatever
emotion you wish to induce: serenity, self-discovery, passion, a feeling of
destiny, or what have you.
Women’s emotions tend to cascade; one emotion leads to another
emotion, and the further along the chain a given emotion is, the more
meaning and impact that emotion will have on her perceptions and
experiences. In the example diagram above, connection to her real self will
have more influence on her than tension or stress.
For a woman, every physical experience or emotion implies the
existence of a “deeper,” more powerful emotion to which the first emotion
can lead. A woman won’t necessarily feel the next emotion in the chain
automatically, but can easily be led to feel it by your description.
Emotion1àEmotion2àEmotion3àEmotion n
As n increases, the emotions tend to become more abstract and more
subjectively powerful. A woman’s emotions spiral into the depths of the
Hidden and Unknown Self, becoming progressively more abstract as they
do. Women’s emotions are primed to cascade into further, more intense
emotions, and the further they cascade in a given moment, the more a
woman feels as if she’s “learning” and “growing” and “getting in touch” with
herself—that is, doing what she’s supposed to do.
This can be contrasted with the male thought pattern, which is
based on bodily reaction to physical stimulus.
actionàphysical pleasure/painà choose new action
packing up house, preparing to moveàtensionàstart hauling boxes
When you describe an extremely long chain of emotions to a
woman, such a long chain will tend to match her experience, and induce
strong rapport. Note how simple the typical male pattern is, by contrast—
this is part of the reason why women think men are out of touch with their
emotions, and men think women get wrapped up in ridiculously complex
concerns. Men tend not to have the kinds of emotional experiences
women do; women think men do, or should, and men have no idea what
women are talking about.
Women internalize external events and experiences. They take them
“inside,” and process them on ever-deeper emotional levels. An external
event seems to exist to teach them about what they want, what they
believe, what is good for them, and “who they are”. When you speak in
emotional abstractions, you encourage them to go “inside” themselves and
have strong emotional responses.
Men, by contrast, tend to move their attention from one external event to
another, rarely internalizing any one event very deeply.
XI. The Battlefield and the Wishing Well, or Where Important Things
The adventures of men and women tend to take place in entirely
different realms. Men focus on events/objects/tasks—concrete data;
women focus on emotional responses to concrete data, and on responses
to prior responses. Men believe they must successfully do things, and that
the external world is the arena in which they must prove themselves
against others; women believe that the source of possibility and danger is
within their own Hidden and Unknown Depths—that they must learn more
and more about who they are and what they need, and then incorporate
these discoveries into their values and sense of identity.
Men typically experience life as a series of discrete challenges;
what we can call the Male Mythic Pattern is something like this:
Satisfaction comes from mastering one challenge, then proceeding to the
next. Successfully meeting a challenge often leads to a tangible reward.
Women tend to view their adventures as connected—in fact, they
tend to see all of their challenges as different steps in a single continuous
journey, one which leads to a deeper understanding of themselves. Each
step produces not a tangible reward but an emotional realization. This
journey is an inward one, because women feel that they have limitless
depths and potential which neither they nor anyone else fully understands.
Their life’s purpose is to discover ever more of what is hidden within these
depths. For a woman, every sensory or emotional experience is an
opportunity for discovering more about herself. What we can call the
Female Mythic Pattern, or the Realization Cycle, is something like this:
Recall this example from the last chapter:
connection with real selfà
Example: tensionà
packing up house, preparing to moveà
Each single emotion in the “packing up a house” example above is
processed through the Realization Cycle of realization…à…incorporation.
Men overcome, and master the environment; women realize, and
connect with themselves.
How is this information useful?
When you describe an emotion or experience in terms of the Realization
Cycle—that is, as if everything implies the existence of a more powerful
emotion which is waiting to be realized—a woman will tend to relate to it
very easily, feel the emotion you’re describing, and feel more emotionally
connected to you.
Obviously, the greater the number of descriptions that you supply in
this format, the stronger her connection to you will become. Example:
“When you REALIZE this sense of serenity blah blah blah; ACCEPT blah
blah blah serenity blah blah blah; OPEN blah blah serenity;
CONNECT…serenity; INCORPORATE blah blah blah serenity.” Serenity
in this example is an arbitrarily chosen emotion; you could substitute
peace, excitement, love, destiny, passion, curiosity, or what have you. The
descriptions in the cycle (realize/accept/open/connect/incorporate) are also
quite flexible—the general idea is one of recognition, gradually leading to
taking an emotion “inside”, and you need only choose words to reflect
these processes—you needn’t stick to the words given.
Female satisfaction comes from experiencing progressively greater
“heights”/ “depths” / “intensity” of emotion—that is, making finer and more
elaborate emotional distinctions in regard to some stimulus from the
physical world. These distinctions can be drawn by, and manipulated with,
language. Feeling “passion” and “awareness” and “wholeness” is better
than simply experiencing “passion” and “wholeness”. Feeling “true passion”
is better than experiencing “passion”. Because these verbal distinctions
are meaningful to women, you can add or subtract a word and change her
emotional response.
Remember, while these verbal descriptions of emotions seem
laughably empty to a man, they are deeply meaningful to women. Women
and men genuinely are deeply different.
Put another way, women tend to feel that physical events and
objects are trivial, next to the emotional responses that they generate.
Everything physical is experienced as emotionally symbolic; and whatever
emotion she’s feeling can be diminished, intensified, or transformed by
whatever you say.
Emotions are subjective, and not bounded by sensory limits; they
are therefore infinite and malleable. You help a woman “grow” (i.e., you
create rapport and deepen her emotional response) by describing the next,
“deeper” emotion to which any given emotion can lead. You can talk of
“learning” leading to “appreciating” leading to “enjoying” leading to “feeling
XII. The Power of “More”
A woman always wants “more”. What she really wants more of,
though, isn’t material—she doesn’t fundamentally want more jewelry,
another trip to Florence, or a Jag XJS-HE in burgundy, though she may
think she wants these things—she wants more and deeper emotions. She
wants not just Emotion1 but Emotion2 and Emotion n; and once she feels
Emotion n, tell her to imagine feeling it twice, three times, a million times as
powerfully…and then to realize that there is a more powerful emotion that
she hasn’t truly felt yet, and which she is beginning to discover now…
Remember, emotions are malleable, arbitrary, and infinite, just like
language itself. Any emotion implies the possibility of the next, more
rewarding emotion.
For the record, men, too, want “more,” but for them, it’s not usually
so abstract—they’ll settle for more cash and the Jag. More precisely, men
want more material experiences—they tend to be less drawn to the idea of
deeper and more complex emotional experiences with a particular woman
than to the idea of many more experiences with many more women—not a
deeper appreciation of cash, but just more cash… Again: Men want stuff or
experiences, and then more stuff or experiences; women want deeper
emotional responses to the stuff and experiences they encounter.
Is there an easy way to give her the deep, layered emotional
responses—the long chains of emotions—that she wants?
You can give her the emotions she wants, just by talking about what
it would be like to feel them. In talking about these emotional states in an
emotional way, you elicit within her the emotional states that you describe.
Well, you might say, I understand how that might be true with
something like “contentment”—but what about “overwhelming, irresistible
That last phrase, “overwhelming, irresistible passion,” exotic as it
sounds, is just a phrase; it’s just a set of words, a set of symbols, a code.
It’s a handle. You can grab that handle and do whatever you want with it.
Think of that handle as having a value of X. You want to elicit an even
stronger emotional response inside her, so move from X to X+1.
Say, “Yes, overwhelming, irresistible passion is wondrous…and
now imagine feeling more intensely than ever before! Feel a deeper
overwhelming, irresistible passion!”
Get it? Overwhelming,irresistible passionà Deeper, overwhelming,
irresistible passion ;
Xà X+1
You added a word, deeper, and this became a cue for getting her to
imagine a stronger response than she’d imagined before.
Any given emotion can be diminished or intensified through
language. An emotion with an intensity of X can become an emotion with
an intensity of X+1, just by instructing that this happen. If, for example, a
woman says she feels “all the love in the universe” for her boyfriend, you
can say, “yes, wouldn’t it be great to feel all the love in the universe for
someone…and then meet someone new…and then realize you can feel all
the love in the universe…and then even more? Isn’t it great to know that
the universe has more love than it did a moment ago, just because you
realize this now?” Any Emotion XàEmotion X+1.
For that matter, any emotion implies the possibility of the next, more
rewarding emotion:
Emotion XàEmotion Y
Emotion X (example: “tranquility”) can be assumed to create the potential
for Emotion Y (example: “centeredness”). Do you have to know what her
personal sequence is? Must she already think that “tranquility” leads to
“centeredness”? No—perhaps she’s never thought of “centeredness” as
important. What matters is that you imply, with the kind of conviction she
can see in your face, in your gestures, and hear in your voice, that
“centeredness” is some kind of positive emotion, and that it’s deeper than
whatever X is.
Remember, much of the art of eliciting strong responses in a
woman consists of reminding her of her own unconscious conviction that
her emotions can always go deeper and get stronger. Her depth of
emotion, the Inward Spiral of her Hidden Self, is infinitely deep—or so she
tends to think. And you can tap into those deeper emotions just by putting
them in words.
Whatever her present emotional state, she can be reminded that
she wants more.
Example: “Yeah, you love your boyfriend. That’s great, that’s cool.
It’s nice to be completely satisfied and to feel that whatever you’re feeling
now is as good as it can possibly get. I remember talking to my friend Talia
about that. She was involved—like really, deeply, intensely involved—with
a guy for what, it must have been two years. She was totally satisfied—it
was all she could imagine—she couldn’t imagine anything better. At least,
that’s what I thought. That’s what she told everybody. One day she
surprised everybody, though, by announcing that she’d found somebody
new. When I asked her about it, she said, Yeah, she thought she was
totally satisfied too. Then she met this guy, and something about being with
him, just being in his presence, just talking to him made her realize that she
could have more. Like all the pleasure she’d had till then had only been
preparation. She realized she could have something more—as if, within
that relationship she’d been inside for so long, she’d grown content, and
then numbed—as if she’d stopped growing, and didn’t realize it. But
something about being with this new guy…looking at this new guy…feeling
her heart beat as she looked at him…now…this made her realize that
opening to him could introduce her to new, deeper, more meaningful
Emotions are subjective, and not bounded by sensory limits; they
are therefore infinite as well as malleable. You help a woman “grow” (i.e.,
you create rapport and intensify her emotional response) by reminding her
that a given emotion is infinite, and that she can feel “more”.
Remember, women tend to believe that physical events and objects
are trivial, next to the emotional responses that they generate. Everything
is symbolic. The emotion that an object or event symbolizes can be
manipulated through language. Example: “Wow, that’s a beautiful diamond
ring…it must mean a lot to you…I wonder what it would be like if someone
could see that ring and then sense the feelings behind it begin to rise up,
grow, become a color, grow, intensify, and then make everything you see
around you and everything you’re hearing begin to fill with all the beauty
and wonder and connection and warmth that used to be trapped inside that
piece of colorless crushed coal? Imagine feeling how much more powerful
and genuine these feelings can now become, because they’re now part of
something real and alive and human, shared and embodied by two people,
in the here and now!” The point: Don’t just think buying her flowers will do
the trick—if you want to have a real effect, describe the emotional effect
buying flowers should have inside her. In fact, if you do a good job
describing the intended emotional response, you can skip having to buy the
You can deepen rapport and strengthen her emotional responses,
just by talking about the yearning for more.
XIII. The Princess and the P.E.A. (Proof by Enjoyable Analogy), or How
to Give Any Experience The Meaning You Want
When talking to a woman, you can connect any event to any
meaning (that is, connect it to any implication or any emotional result) just
by linking the event and the result with words.
How do you arbitrarily link one event, physical or emotional, to
another emotional event? How do you give one thing any meaning you
wish? You say there’s a connection, then you describe it with some
pleasant metaphor or image that her imagination can follow, and then say it
results in the meaning you want to give it. The formula is this:
When you X, it’s like Y, and this leads to a feeling of Z.
X is any emotion or event; Y is any pleasant analogy; and Z is the
emotion to which you want to lead her—Z is now the meaning of X.
When you ZORK, it’s like riding a bike along a beautiful country
road, because it allows you to feel a profound sense of WHOOFLE.
Remember, in that sentence, ZORK can be replaced by anything,
and WHOOFLE can be replaced by anything else. The more images you
feed her between ZORK and WHOOFLE, the more easily she’ll feel a
sense of WHOOFLE. This is sometimes called the Proof by Enjoyable
Analogy. When you want to seduce someone, you’ll make your images
progressively more suggestive, and the emotional state you’re producing—
WHOOFLE—progressively more about intimacy and arousal and sexual
The Proof by Enjoyable Analogy, repeated over and over with
different and progressively more erotic content, can easily form the
backbone of an effective seductive conversation. Just follow the pattern:
XYZ, XYZ, XYZ, or better yet, X1/Y1/Y2/Y3/Z1, X2/Y4/Y5/Y6/Z2,
“When you feel really connected to someone, it’s like there’s a
glittering, iridescent chain connecting your hearts, and this is a sign you
and this person are meant to be together.”
“When someone really has an impact on you, it’s as if you can feel
everything special and powerful about this person penetrating ever more
deeply into your mind and body and soul, and you feel flooded with this
tremendous desire to open yourself even more completely, so as to
experience even more of these special feelings.”
“My friend Chandra says that when a man really feels right for her,
it’s as if everything that’s been numb or bored or disconnected inside her
suddenly begins to melt like the wax of a candle, and the more she feels
this warmth and this liquid melting feeling inside her, the more deeply she
knows this experience is going to enter her and give her a true feeling of
being totally filled, as if she can now truly sense how much she’s been
waiting for an experience just like this, and now she truly feels herself
yearning for this even more powerfully, as if a voice inside her is saying,
“You need this now. Surrender, and take this pleasure and grace and
power inside you, because this is what you need right now.”
We’ll explain why this works in the next chapter.
1. Proof by Enjoyable Analogy (P.E.A.) allows you to assign “meanings”
(conceptual evaluations) to emotions and events.
2. Taking a P.E.A. has this structure: Emotion or Experience X is like
Enjoyable Experience Y which leads to a feeling of Emotion Z. Again:
X is like Y which leads to Z.
XIV. How Women Decide What Something “Means”
As we’ve mentioned, women have a much stronger response to
language than do men. Language induces very strong emotions. Women
create complex emotions, complex metafeelings, by layering and linking
and stacking abstract words—abstract concepts about feelings–together.
And just as they use complex language to create complex feelings, they
use complex language to create meaning.
Men and women determine the “meaning” of something in different
ways. This, in fact, is one of the most important differences between them.
Fortunately, the way women construct a sense of meaning makes it very
easy for you to help them create meaningful experiences and help them
arrive at interpretations that you want. All you need are words and
If men and women abstract the meaning of an experience in
different ways, how do men do it? Men mainly consider physical events—
we look at how one physical event affects another physical event, how
going into protracted negotiation on a big deal affects that vacation to
Puerto Rico planned for next week. The meaning of something is how it
affects a physical event.
For women, on the other hand, meaning comes primarily from how
something affects an emotion. The thing that affects the emotion will often
be another emotion. Meaning, for women, is in emotional response. The
meaning of that protracted negotiation will largely be in the emotions that
flow from it, and the degree to which she feels she’s adhering to her
personal values. She might think, “Maybe missing out on that vacation is
just one more example of how I’m always putting work before pleasure. I’m
always losing touch with myself, always putting off what I really want. Why
do I always do this? What does this say about me? I’m always fighting to
prove myself. Am I still trying to please Daddy? Why can’t I just move on?
What does this say about me?” Etc. For women, emotions are just as real
as physical events.
You create rapport with women by interpreting events through the
lens of emotional abstraction. Talk as if your emotions drive your
perceptions–as if your emotions are the real-world, and the physical world
is something far away and not very important.
1. Men and women create “meaning” (and therefore establish priorities) in
different ways.
2. Men assign meaning based on consequences in the physical world; the
meaning of an event or an emotion is its probable effect on a future
3. Women assign meaning based on emotional response; the meaning of
an emotion or event is its effect on emotions.
4. For women, emotions are just as real and compelling as physical
XV. Opening a Woman’s Emotional “Spaces”
Have you ever heard a woman say something like, “I’m not in a place
where I’m ready for that right now” or “I’m just not that in that kind of space” or
“You and I are in different phases”?
As we’ve mentioned, women experience emotions so intensely that
emotions to them are all-encompassing and physically engulfing. They are
spatial, surrounding her; she is immersed in them, as if she’s a diver in the
ocean. They are the lenses through which she experiences events.
Emotions, for women, are like places.
Her emotional frame—the “emotional place” she’s in—will help
determine how she interprets and feels about a new experience.
If you want a woman to be open to having sex with you, build her an
emotional place within which having sex with you feels appropriate.
That is, describe the emotion you are trying to create in spatial terms.
“A lot of times, for perfectly good reasons, you can feel closed to
experiencing something intense…On the other hand, what’s
great is when you suddenly realize you’re in just the right place
for this kind of thing. {POINT TO SELF} You know, you feel so
comfortable, so open that it’s almost like there are big pillows all
around you…big, plush comfortable pillows…and everything is
warm, fuzzy, relaxing, soft…and time has slowed down…it’s
almost as if you’re in another century, and there’s time to really
open and experience powerful things…and everything is lit by
soft candle-light…and everything is made of wood…and
everything feels good when you touch it…and there are
beautiful paintings around you…and jars filled with bread and
fruit and grain…and everything you see and hear in every
direction just roots you to this spot, in a way that makes you feel
more and more like this {POINT TO SELF}is something you
need to experience even more deeply…because everything
seems so soft…you see a gorgeous chair carven of oak,
gorgeous wooden tables…soft soft blankets on a soft soft
bed…and everything proves to you, again and again, that you
really are in a place where you can now open completely to
experiencing something powerful and new {POINT TO SELF}.”
Remember, none of the things in the above description need to be
anything like her actual physical environment—though if there is a
resemblance, that will match her sensory perceptions and deepen the impact
of what you’re saying.
“Yeah, sometimes you’re just not in the right place for a new
relationship. When you are, though, this {POINT TO SELF} can
be really wonderful. When I think of what this feels like, I always
think of this big room they had in the library of the college I went
to—it was always perfectly silent…And it was filled with bean
bag chairs and huge pillows…most things were colored
peach…or light blue…and the walls all around were brick…and
of course the floor was carpeted…and it was very dim. This
{POINT TO SELF} was a place everyone would come to rest, to
relax, to get in touch with yourself. This is the kind of place that
made you realize, Hey, all the things I spend so much time on
aren’t my life—all these things aren’t who you are…because a
big part of who you are…maybe the most important part of who
you are…is your potential…what you haven’t experienced
yet…and being in this place…you start to feel truly open to new
things {PTS}…and it feels really good…and healthy…and right.”
“What’s marvelous…is feeling that someone new {PTS} speaks
to that special place…deep inside you…which no-one else
knows about…this place…which… since you were a little
girl…full of hope…and anticipation…waiting…in this special
place…and in this special place, now…with me…it seems…as if
this is the place…in your soul…in which you are a princess, a
ballerina…and you know…you’re now in this place…when
you….begin to feel…that someone is speaking to this place…all
the way inside you…that no-one else truly knows…that only this
special person {PTS} is meant to speak to…touch… and
Women are fond of Secret Hidden Emotional Places—taking off again
from Freud, it seems that women regard their innermost feelings (like their
genitalia) as concealed, infinite and unknowable—and certainly unknown
to, for example, their boyfriends. Women tend to be drawn to the mystically
authoritative and to things which can teach them about their own unknown
depths and unexplored potential. Women feel they have “places” inside noone
else knows about and to which no-one else has ever spoken.
Speaking to these “places” can induce trance.
1. Treat her emotions as places.
2. To induce states of readiness and openness (or any given emotion),
describe the desired emotional state as a physical environment which is
surrounding her. Describe the details of this “emotional place” as
thoroughly as possible.
XVI. Erotic Metaphor
So how do you get a woman thinking about sex and feeling sexually
You use metaphors—figures of speech, analogies, images—which
suggest some of the mechanics of a sexual act.
Long ago, I knew a girl who enjoyed writing poetry. She once wrote
a poem which she said was about the two of us—our Relationship, as it
were. She showed the poem to her creative writing class, but was annoyed
by her classmates’ reaction; she claimed that they completely
misunderstood it.
Her poem described being in love, and the extraordinary joy and
emotional connection and self-surrender which came from the sensuous,
extended act of drinking an infinite, gushing salty river.
Her classmates thought the poem was about oral sex.
She thought the poem was about love.
Actually, I almost never said anything to her, and our Relationship
pretty much consisted of her giving me blow jobs.
She was convinced her poem had everything to do with passion
and nothing to do with fellatio.
From her perspective, she may have been perfectly correct.
Just as her classmates were equally correct.
And just as, through the Proof by Enjoyable Analogy, any meaning
you wish can be molded from the raw clay of a given event…but back to
the topic of Erotic Metaphor. As we were saying, to insert the shaft of a
hard erotic charge into the moist hidden softness of Catherine’s emotional
interior, all you need do is use metaphorical descriptions which resemble
sexual acts.
For example, you can talk about something in a way that suggests
penile insertion, by using words and phrases like this:
Penetrate, enter, come inside, fill a void
It’s great when a feeling… of happiness… penetrates…all
the way…inside you.
My friend Natasha says she loves it, when she can feel
excitement…a huge… intense…jolt of excitement…like a
lightning bolt… enter… the deepest parts… of her… soul.
I wonder if you know what it’s like, when a feeling is so
powerful, that it seems to come right inside you…opening…
and then filling… completely…a void inside you…that you
didn’t realize was now open.
You can suggest vaginal lubrication and access, or penile erection:
Sometimes, something feels so right that…you know…your
heart…the deepest part of you…just begins to warm…and
as it warms…it just melts.. and then.. in a moment of
grace… spreads wide… opens completely…to feel that
which is most beautiful {POINT TO YOURSELF} begin to
slide all the way inside…your heart.
An emotion can be so powerful that it’s like something
solid… something permanent, something whose weight you
can hold in your hand … taste in your mouth… and then
take inside yourself… and you know this feeling…is going to
last…and last…and last…and the longer it lasts…the harder
and more solid…and more enduring it becomes…and the
deeper it goes inside you…the more it comes…to feel… a
part of who you are.
You can suggest oral sex:
My friend Cynthia says that sometimes, someone’s energy
can make you feel so wonderful that you want to drink in this
person’s breath…you know?…it’s like you want to swallow
everything this person has to give…and just keep tasting
more and more of it inside you…emotionally, I mean.
My friend Erica says that the ocean can be so beautiful
sometimes that you just want to, almost, you know, kneel
down before it… go down…on your knees…swirl a fingertip
through that salty white foam…bring it to your lips…open
your mouth…feel it slide inside your mouth, over your
tongue…just close your eyes and drink in all you can of this
immense salty liquid power…so that you feel even more
connected to it… and it’s feeding… filling you… nourishing
you… centering you… this is a marvelous emotion, isn’t it?
You can suggest erotic or orgasmic response:
I love it when, you know, you feel so free, so liberated…that
these feelings just flood every part of you…they just explode
inside you…and you find yourself shuddering… shaking…
because this experience has been so profound…almost as if
you’re seeing lights…and everything is warm and glowing…
and you feel like a hole inside the deepest part of you has
been blown open.. more fully than ever before… and you…
truly… have…come…into a place…that feels…entirely
Also, make a habit of subtly gesturing toward your crotch when you
say such things. And keep a straight face, dammit.
Erotic metaphor is really just the lost art of sexual innuendo. What
allows a sexual innuendo to work, as opposed to seeming like a joke from
a particularly bad James Bond film, is pretending that you don’t realize that
you are being suggestive. This also means that, after saying the kinds of
things found in the examples above, you shouldn’t look at a woman’s face
with an expectant leer; instead, pay no attention, as if what you’ve said had
absolutely no erotic implications at all, and you were using a metaphor that
just happened to pop into your head as you were talking.
Remember, while it’s difficult to not laugh out loud reading this
stuff—women’s brains work differently. Women’s emotions work differently.
Women interpret language differently. Keep a straight face, and women
will tell themselves these metaphors aren’t sexual, even though they’re
getting turned on.
1. To induce sexual feelings, describe emotions or experiences as
resembling the physical operations of sex—that is, describe
penetration, sucking, exploding, etc.
2. If you maintain a straight face and don’t seem to realize that you are
describing sexual experiences, a woman will choose to believe that you
are merely describing intense emotions. Her body and imagination will
nonetheless respond and she will be sexually aroused.
3. For women, sex is a subset of emotion, and hearing emotional
language is an erotic experience.
XVII. Referential Ambiguity, or How to Make Sure She Associates the
Feelings You Create with Thoughts of You
Now that you’ve learned about how to instill intense emotions inside her,
how do you make sure she thinks about you when she feels them? How do
you make sure she keeps mentally linking you with the good feelings
you’ve created?
You may have noticed that the examples in this book include many
vague phrases like “this experience” and “this person” and “this feeling”.
Words like this and that are automatically vague; your listener makes
sense of them by considering whatever you are already talking about. But
you can also supply alternative interpretations for these words, and the
best way to do that is nonverbally—point to yourself as you say “this
person” or “this wonderful experience”.
The idea is to make her consider different possibilities for what
you’re talking about. When there are multiple interpretations possible, your
listener, instinctively, will process and respond to them all. If you describe
how wonderful Experience X, and then say, “and this is a great feeling, isn’t
it?” You could be saying that experiencing X is a great feeling, but you
could also saying that the experience of being with you as you talk about X
is a great feeling. Since she thinks of both possibilities, she responds
emotionally to both suggestions.
You could talk about how great it is when “someone special”
performs some Action X, and therefore “this person” makes your listener
feel Emotion Y. When you refer to “this person,” you should subtly point to
yourself. Again, do it subtly, with a slight gesture—enough to catch her eye,
but not enough to seem like you’re explicitly pointing. You should point to
yourself as if you don’t realize you’re doing it, and so that it seems you’re
not really doing it. A movement of your fingers inward, toward your chest,
while you say “this person,” is often enough.
The examples published in this book often contain things like
“Experience X…is a wonderful feeling…This feels good…now…with
me…this is how I feel about this.” The phrase, “…now…with me…this is
how I feel…” would likely drive your third-grade teacher up the wall, but
grammar of crystalline perfection is not the point—the point is to connect
the phrase “now…with me” to the prior phrase, “This feels good…” You’re
deliberately making it unclear where the sentence ends, by changing…the
pace…at which…you…speak. Are you saying, “This feels good. Now, with
me, this is how I feel,” or are you saying “This feels good now with me”?
You’re saying both, and therefore the woman you’re speaking to will
respond emotionally to both. You’re giving her a command about what to
feel, and she’ll follow it.
After you describe a pleasurable state, get into the habit of saying
things like the following:
“I wonder if you can feel this…Now…with me…I think blah
blah blah”;
“This is a great experience to have…With me…now…I think
blah blah blah”;
“Do you sense how these possibilities and feelings connect?
Can you… connect them…Now…to me…these connections
seem blah blah blah”
As it happens, when you induce a feeling, there’s a good chance she’ll
automatically associate it with you. But using these sorts of ambiguities,
ramming home the idea that she should associate them with you, helps
maintain the association once you’re out of the room. If you don’t directly
associate yourself with the emotions, she’ll likely just transfer them to her
Some of this book’s examples also feature what’s sometimes called
the First-Person to Second-Person Perspectival Shift, or, more memorably,
the I/You Shift. The I/You Shift happens naturally in conversation, as you
get more involved with what you’re saying. In fact, the last sentence
contained an I/You Shift. The structure of an I/You Shift is like this: “When I
X, I blah blah blah…You know, you X blah blah blah…” “When I experience
ZORK, it’s a great feeling. You know, you feel a sense of ZORK and then
you begin to WHOOFLE.” You move from describing something your
experience from the first-person perspective (“I X”) to describing your
experience from the second-person perspective (“You X”). The secondperson
perspective allows you to give very strong, explicit commands
about what your listener should experience, while it still logically seems as
if you are merely describing your own experience. (“When you feel this
way, it’s as if your whole body is just on fire with pleasure….now…with
me…this is my way of looking at it.”)
1. Directly associate yourself with the emotions you produce by using
phrases like “with me…now” and “connect them…to me…now”.
2. Subtly point to yourself when you talk about a hypothetical person or
experience which makes her feel good.
3. When describing pleasurable states, move from using First-Person
Perspective to Second-Person Perspective. Move from saying I to
saying You.
XVIII. Values
You can motivate a woman to take an action or avoid an action by
leveraging her values.
What are “values”?
Values are abstractions which cause attraction or repulsion and
therefore drive decisions. They are decision-making criteria.
Everyone has values; everyone’s values are a little bit different.
They’re a little bit different, because values are built around abstract
words—words like “power,” “patriotism,” “economical,” “loving,” etc. And
everyone’s sensory and emotional associations with a given abstract word
are different. When you say “patriotism,” some people will imagine clubbing
Hitler and feeling proud and strong; others will imagine being hit with a beer
bottle by some drunken redneck with the Stars and Stripes on his truck’s
Knowing someone’s values means knowing how to hook into that
person’s emotions.
Let’s consider an example.
Gina is planning to buy a car. The salesman asks her, “What are
you looking for in a car?” “Quality,” she says.
Now, quality could mean anything. At this point, we know only that if
Gina believes a car has “quality,” it will be more attractive to her than one
without “quality,” all things being equal. The salesman decides to narrow
things down a bit. “Yes, quality is crucial. And do you want to drive out of
here today driving something really stylish, really fast, really reliable, or
really economical? You want it, you got it.”
“What kind of person do you think I am? Do you think I would drive
something without style? It must have style! It must be a quality car!”
For Gina, “style” equals “quality”, which equals “Good Thing”. At this
point, the salesman knows to describe all the attributes of the car he
wishes to sell her in terms of “style” and “quality,” and will use those words
again and again. He certainly won’t describe the car in terms of how
reliable or economical it is. He can also press for greater detail, so that he
can find out what she values about “style” and “quality,” because values
are linked to more important values, and to someone’s beliefs about the
way the world works. If the salesman, some weeks later, happens upon
Gina at a bar, he will relate the things he says—not just about cars, but
about everything imaginable, and everything likely to make her feel good
and excited–to style and quality as well.
You can elicit the value behind a decision or desire by asking a
question like this:
What do you like most about X?
What do you like most about your job?
What’s the most interesting part about moving out here?
What made your boyfriend stand out from all the guys who
come up to you all the time?
Once you figure out the driving value, you can figure out the value
driving that value. If you ask Gina what’s important about style, she may
well say, “Well, you know—when something is stylish, it’s special.” If you
proceed to describe something to Gina as special, that thing will begin to
seem even more important than something you’ve described as having
style. If you ask her what’s important about something being special, she
may say that when something is special, it’s powerful. Or irresistible. And
the word she uses to describe the value driving “special” will have more
influence for her than does ”special”.
The first time you ask someone what’s important about X, she’ll
likely say, “I don’t know,” and give you a funny look. People’s values tend
to operate beneath conscious awareness. They are lenses and filters—
they lead us to screen some information out, make some things seem
important, make other things seem trivial. They help us retain the
information that matters to us, so that we are not overloaded by all the
information available to us.
How do use this information? Given the values above, you could
say something like the following:
“For me, the real question, when it comes to deciding how much
you like someone, is—Is this a person of quality? You know, really—Is this
a quality person? Because, you know, when you’re really with a quality
person, that person’ll have a very real sense of style. Maybe you know
what I mean. Some people wouldn’t, and that’s okay, they’re just not for
me. Maybe you’re someone who can understand how a quality person,
someone with real personal style, someone who’s special, can just make
you feel so special, that the whole experience of being with this person is
itself very special, and very, very powerful…”
The words which hold together our value hierarchies—in Gina’s
case, for example, quality, style, special, powerful–are arbitrary, and will
vary from person to person. Do these chains of words correspond to
anything factual or logical? Nope. But they are an effective model of the
way our minds work, and accepting this can get you laid.
1. Values are abstractions which attract us or repel us, thereby affecting
our decisions about the physical world.
2. Everyone has different sensory associations with a given abstract
3. Everyone has values; everyone’s values are different.
4. Feeling that you are in conflict with one of your personal values is
painful; feeling that you are in agreement with your values is
5. Values are stacked in hierarchies, like meta-feelings. An important
value will override a trivial value.
6. Describe a connection between a choice and your listener’s values, and
that choice will become more attractive.
For more information on values and the relationship of values to beliefs and
perception, read Gut Impact, available from http://www.sexualkey.com.
XIX. The Female Sexual Ramp
While individuals all have different chains of values, women tend to
have particular values when it comes to sex—and yep, they’re different
from those of men. Always remember that in the back of their minds, most
women are considering the possibility of things like pregnancy and longterm
mating. Women are playing for much higher stakes than men, and so
tend to be more selective and more emotional.
Women, as suggested earlier, tend to have a more elaborate
decision-making process. It’s not just a matter of getting turned on, it’s a
matter of feeling comfortable about being turned on, and feeling
comfortable about acting on their desires.
The pattern, for women, tends to be something like this:
4)sexual desire;
5)trust of the guy desired, or comfort about acting on desire.
Focus is the process of mentally separating you from everyone
else, and so concentrating on you. She focuses on you because you seem
to differ from others in some way. You’re handsome, or witty, or stylish, or
successful, or charming, or rude, or domineering, or arrogant, or seductive,
Intrigue is the process of thinking and wondering about that person
she’s classified as “different”—you. When you intrigue her, she starts
wondering how you compare to those she knows, and how you can fit into
her life.
Instinctively, she wants you to seem different from others, and yet
to reveal values which are progressively more similar to her own.
Connection is that mysterious personal electricity sometimes called
rapport—the sense that you and she “have the same view,” “are on the
same wavelength,” “feel close”. It’s a feeling that you and she understand
each other, have the same goals, and wish each other well—and typically,
the sense that the relationship may deepen.
It should be noted that women tend to respond strongly to notions
such as “fate” and “destiny,” and they tend to believe that emotional
connections are products of fate and destiny. If we want to take a Freudian
tack, we may note that, yes, men have their sex organs outside the body
and can direct their ejaculate and urine, and that women’s sex organs are
concealed, internal, and not things they can aim at leisure; moreover,
women are at the mercy of menstrual cycles and, when it comes to
pregnancy, the luck of the draw. Perhaps because of this, women often
have a deep respect for the mysterious and the not-obviously-rational;
frequently believe that sudden emotions and unforeseen events easily
overpower logic, plans, and willpower; and tend toward emotional
fatalism—the sense that things such as sexual encounters just happen, or
are just meant to be. Women often like being swept off their feet, i.e.,
finding themselves responding so strongly that conscious choice seems not
to be involved.
Women often feel that emotional connections, particularly sexual
connections, are fated.
Sexual desire is lust, plus the real possibility of acting on this lust.
At this point a woman is physically aroused, considering possibilities, and
weighing consequences. Of course, a woman may well be in this state
prior to all of the others we’ve listed, but in order to maximize the odds that
she’ll go along with what her body wants and have sex with you, we
suggest you first lay the emotional groundwork she needs to feel
comfortable about having sex. Laying this groundwork means dealing with
the emotional stuff in steps 1 and 2—intrigue and connection, respectively.
Trust is in some sense about the future—about what she expects
will happen after she has sex with you. If she feels you’ll hurt her—whether
by not calling her, calling her too often, telling the whole town about your
fling, or interfering in her existing relationship—she likely won’t act on her
desire. At this point, obviously, you must provide the sense that she can
trust you to make her feel good, and afterward, make her feel good about
having had sex with you.
Once you get through step 4, you should just keep cycling through
steps 2, 3, and 4, while spending the most energy on step 3, intensifying
her sexual arousal.
Remember, all of the emotional states above are, by definition,
abstractions, and therefore you can induce these emotional states by
describing them. Talk about what it’s like when you feel connected;
describe what your friend Tessa feels when she experiences trust.
As it happens, the sequence given above isn’t accurate for all
women—some women are made uncomfortable by the idea of emotional
connection, or think sex and emotional connection are mutually exclusive—
and of course, those women, conveniently, are often quite responsive to
physical, direct approaches. Still, something like the sequence given above
is fairly standard, and can usually be relied on. Later in the book you’ll find
a chapter on different types of women, with their respective recommended
Talk first about safe, unthreatening emotional states, such as “comfort,”
“relaxation,” and “learning”. Only after inducing comfortable emotions
should you move on to more emotionally-charged topics, such as
“connection” and “sexuality”. Over time, you can become more and more
sexually suggestive. You should leave direct sexual proposition to the end,
if broached at all; it’s best to couch your sexual suggestions in terms of
erotic metaphors and stories about other people’s sexual
experiences and comments, so that your listener doesn’t feel she’s
being put on the spot–and continue to feed her stories and amplify
her arousal until she takes action. Tell the stories as if you don’t
realize you, and the stories, are arousing her.
XIX. What a Woman Wants to Feel
Women tend to have more preconditions than do men concerning sexual
contact. They need to feel that more criteria have been fulfilled. These
criteria, these values, these keywords you should allude to liberally in
conversation, so that the woman has the sense that they are being met.
You should stimulate and induce them, using images and metaphors. You
should reinforce them, using Proof by Enjoyable Analogy. What are these
criteria? Here are some common ones:
1. Physical safety
2. Emotional connection
3. Trust
4. Destiny
5. Surrender to something greater than herself
6. Emotional variety
Physical safety is important to a woman because she rarely loses
sight of the fact that she’s physically vulnerable. Almost any male she
encounters would be able to physically overpower her. Much of the function
of her male mate is to protect her, and having a man who can defend her
physically tends to be important, if not necessarily consciously. Talking
about physical safety directly tends to produce thoughts of physical
danger, and might even make her frightened by you, so it’s much better to
talk about states of relaxation and comfort. These states imply inducing a
sense of physical safety, without making her think of falling off a cliff or
being attacked while walking to her car.
“Destiny” and “surrender” are particularly revealing, particularly
important. Sex can be so meaningful for a woman, so dangerous and
powerful, that it’s easier for her to experience it if she can disown
responsibility. She’ll therefore rationalize: Sex wasn’t her idea, it wasn’t
your idea—it just happened. It was destiny. It wasn’t planned—she was
swept away. Her passions were overwhelming. It just happened. It was
meant to be. This also reflects the feminine emphasis on the irrational and
nonlogical, and the belief that the Unknown easily sweeps aside human
plans. Women tend to believe that when something is unplanned, when
something overpowers human thought and intention, it’s more valid and
more true. In fact, the notion of destiny is so commonly applied that it
seems to be a built-in category, a built-in criterion, a built-in test as to how
she feels about a relationship. When she feels really really good about a
sexual situation, then it was meant to be. If she stops feeling good about it,
then it wasn’t meant to be—but, hey, there’s this really cute, really fun guy
she just met—and maybe…maybe a relationship with him is just… meant
to be… Surrender is similar—sex, for a woman, should be a matter of
giving in to something overwhelming—giving in to an overwhelming
passion, to something that’s so right that she has no choice in the matter.
At most, her only choice should be whether, or when, to recognize the
inevitability of the situation. Look, this is not the most pleasant of thoughts,
but in the real world, in practice, most women, to feel as strongly as they
wish, need to feel that some outside agency is causing things to happen—
that they are passive and receptive, and that fate, or destiny, or passion, or
an overwhelmingly powerful man is taking responsibility for what she is
feeling. She wants to feel that the thing she’s dealing with is so powerful
that she can be passive and enjoy responding to the rich variety of feelings
this powerful thing is eliciting.
This brings up another matter: emotional variety. Women like using
all their emotional muscles—they like feeling happy and sad and proud and
humiliated and wanted and unwanted. They want to you hit every note on
the keyboard, at least once in a while. If you only seek to elicit happy-face
emotions in a woman, she will feel bored. She will feel unchallenged. She
will feel as if the relationship is incomplete, and that she’s not pushing
herself and not developing herself. And the negative emotions she
experiences as part of a relationship often validate the depth and
importance of that relationship for her. “Oh, if he can make me feel
Negative Emotion X and yet I still love him, this must be a really important
relationship! This is the real thing! This is fate! This was meant to be!”
When a woman dumps a man, it’s usually not because of the
negative emotions he was inducing—it’s usually because the positive
emotions he was inducing weren’t strong enough. Now, as a side note, I
don’t particularly like these conclusions. When I was very young, I certainly
wouldn’t have accepted them–I thought men and women were pretty much
the same, and any differences were just products of culture, early
childhood programming, etc. But no—culture has a strong impact, yet men
and women are basically wired in different ways. Behavior that can seem
rude and pointless to men—that is, being a dick– can feel like an exciting
emotional workout to women.
A woman tends to yearn for a sense of safety—she therefore is
drawn to “strength” (e.g., dominance), and often needs to feel that the man
she’s with is strong. Oftentimes “bitchy” behavior is an attempt to elicit a
show of dominance from you. Because a woman wants you to be “strong,”
she will also typically provide opportunities for you to demonstrate strength
and earn her respect; she can do this by playing the needy, helpless, Lost
Little Girl; by teasing you and inviting you to tease her in return; or by
seeming argumentative, hostile, and uncooperative.
A woman tends to identify with the “strength” of the man she’s
involved with—that is, when he acts in aggressive, resolute, forceful ways,
it makes her feel good. That often also applies to “strong” behaviors
toward her; a woman often interprets your ability to be aggressive/ resolute/
forceful/ dominant/ obnoxious toward her as a measure of how well you
could protect her from others’ aggression, if the need arose. Whereas a
man tends to choose a woman primarily for her beauty, a woman tends to
choose a man because that man embodies characteristics she would like
to embody; a woman wants a man she would, on some level, like to be. For
the record, the practice of identifying with the strength of another is of
course a fair description of the structure of masochism—and female
fantasies often have a strong masochistic element.
She will often enjoy it when you express dominance, relative to
others and to her. Mocking her and using baby-talk both tend to make her
feel good—or rather, reassure her of your relative power, and thereby
make her feel good.
Along with emotional variety and the sense that she’s on an
emotional roller-coaster, along with the sense of surrendering to something
greater, women are often inspired by competition, and more to the point,
competition for a particular man. Remember, whereas men tend to be
interested in having lots and lots of beautiful women, having more and
more external experiences, women want tend to be more interested in one,
infinitely deep experience—that is, capturing a man who can lead her to
ever more emotionally powerful experiences. Therefore, as we’ll discuss in
greater detail later, women want The One Perfect Guy—and see
themselves competing with other women for The One. Prior to sexual
involvement (and the intense emotions which sex can unleash in a
woman), it’s efficient for a woman to rely on the judgment of other women.
Prior to sexual bonding, the opinions of her friends, and of other women
around you, have a strong impact on her. If there’s evidence that other
women find you attractive, you immediately become much more valuable.
Though men tend to be the ones who get up and march across the
bar to meet women, women see themselves as catching men. They
therefore respond strongly to rejection. When there’s a subtle rejection, or
there’s less interest than expected, a woman often has an internal
response of “I’ll show him! I’ll make this guy like me!” Finally, a women
typically has the sense that somewhere out there is The One—the perfectly
fitting guy, the one who can make her feel challenged and complete and
fulfilled, the one who can hit every key on her emotional piano.
Also, remember that a woman wants more—she wants to be
reminded that she can feel more and deeper and more powerful emotions
than she’s felt thus far. Oftentimes, simply alluding to the idea of
experiencing more will induce strong rapport.
XX. Holding Out for a Hero
Women, even the most independent of heterosexual women, tend
to respond very, very powerfully to a primitive archetype: the powerful man.
When women get involved with men they don’t view as “powerful”—
when they date “nice guys” and “good providers,” it’s often because they’ve
been hurt by guys they’ve found more exciting. And that fantasy of the
powerful, exciting man is almost always latent, and therefore something
you can tap into.
Mr. Powerful is the guy you find in romance novels. Of course, in
romance novels he’s always rich and handsome, tall of stature, deep of
voice, and broad of shoulder, but those, for our purposes, aren’t his most
important attributes. The important attributes are products of belief and
behavior, and therefore, things you can adopt and demonstrate, in a way
that excites the women you meet.
What are the attributes of the powerful man? First, independence.
The hero doesn’t need her. Moreover, he frequently rejects her in subtle
ways. He often leans away from her and moves away from her, out of
arm’s reach. His body language, facial expression, and vocal tone
frequently deliver nonverbal messages of “I don’t need you; you need me”
or “You’re not important” or “You’re not good enough” or “You’re
disappointing me.”
Second, the hero has plans and objectives, a path he’s chosen for
himself. These things don’t center around her. As far as the hero is
concerned, she can stay or go. Whatever she does or thinks or feels won’t
sway him from his path. If she’s really, really lucky—if she proves again
and again how worthy she is—maybe he will let her have a place in his life.
But she will never be the center of his life.
Third, the hero is determined. The hero knows what he’s doing,
knows where he’s going, and goes after what he wants until he gets it.
Nothing sways him, and he doesn’t bitch or whine about mistakes or errors.
Make it absolutely clear that your aims are the only things that really matter
to you.
Fourth, the hero is greater and more special than she is—he
doesn’t put her on a pedestal; instead, he occasionally lifts her up to his
pedestal, and usually just allows her to fantasize him doing it. The rule is
this: He must always demonstrate that he regards himself and his aims as
more important than her aims and her needs. While women love intimacy,
when it comes to love, they usually want intimacy with someone they see
as greater, rather than someone they see as a mere equal.
Fifth, he challenges her. In practice, this sometimes means
undermining her confidence–and as we’ve mentioned, when you do this,
when you subtly or not so subtly reject or downgrade her, she’ll often find it
stimulating and energizing. Use the following formulas: “Too bad you
aren’t/don’t X” and “If only you were/could X”.
When you challenge her or criticize her, she’ll often become
motivated to prove her worthiness. You should occasionally point out her
shortcomings, and most importantly, contemptuously point out her behavior
when she tries to play games.
You can also be challenging by being a) volcanic and/or b) remote.
To achieve the effect of Amorous Vulcanism, you should raise your voice,
make melodramatic physical gestures, be impatient, smolder, glower.
Occasionally act very angry. Your intensity will reinforce her sense that, in
being with you, she’s part of something exciting.
To be remote, use silence a great deal. Silence, in combination with
eye contact, is very powerful. After you deliver a script, make eye contact
and hold it silently—this will usually encourage her to process what you’ve
said even more thoroughly. Also, don’t talk about yourself very much,
except in relation to your plans and your objectives. Your silence lets her
project her romantic fantasies all the more thoroughly. Don’t talk about your
doubts or errors. Silence can have the cruel but useful effect of
heightening her anxieties. And in worrying about whether she’s about to
lose you, she sees your value grow. And in seeing your value grow, she
feels prouder of the relationship and more fulfilled.
Perhaps the best approach is to alternate Angry Intensity with Cold
Inaccessibility. These behaviors, of course, are the sticks—the carrots,
which should form the basis of your relationship, are the good feelings you
create through regular verbal stimulation. As much as possible, say only
things which will induce strong states in her—induce strong positive
feelings, negative feelings, positive feelings—and not much else. Pump up
her emotions, then give her lots of silence. Ignore her. When you do
venture something personal or reveal vulnerability, it’ll seem like a reward,
and a mark of how Deep your relationship is becoming.
Bear in mind, though, that when women complain about a lack of
communication, they’re usually upset at the lack of pleasurable verbal
stimulation—that is, the lack of those kinds of experiences which this book
has taught you to create. When you provide regular verbal stimulation and
feed her plenty of emotional abstractions, “communication” will seldom be
an issue.
One might think: Hey, you’ve pretty much just recommended
behaving like a Neanderthal.
Bear in mind that if you ask a woman about the sort of behaviors
described above, she’ll almost surely describe them as reprehensible and
very unattractive. What does she like? Well, she’ll probably say, she really
likes nice, patient, respectful, loyal guys who treat her really well…
On the other hand, if you simply manifest the sort of behaviors
described above, she’ll tell all her friends what an exciting guy she’s met.
Women find you more attractive when you display the following attributes:
1. Independence. You don’t need her; she needs you.
2. Focus. Your goals are more important than anything else, including her.
3. Determination. You persist in the face of obstacles.
4. Superiority (to her and others). You’re the elusive prize; she should feel
that not losing you is a challenge in itself.
5. Alternating Intensity and Coolness. On occasion, be rude, challenging,
provocative, and/or frustrating—it’s much better to piss her off than to
bore her.
XXI. The Four Modes of Female Response
For our purposes, it’s useful to group women into four types. These
aren’t Galen’s Four Temperaments, or even Keirsey’s neo-Jungian Four
Temperaments derived from the work of Myers and Briggs. Our four types
don’t constitute a personality grid, because they have little to do with
personality per se. (If you want to know how to use personality types as a
tool of influence, order Gut Impact, available from http://www.sexualkey.com.)
Our four types simply represent some typical styles of response a given
woman may employ on a given day, when you approach her. A particular
woman may employ a different response mode at some other time, based
on her mood or her degree of rapport with you.
The Four Types:
Revealers: Most of those you meet will be Revealers—that is, they will give
you a fair amount of information when you ask them about their values.
They will usually exhibit strong, visible responses when you induce strong
feelings through your descriptions, and they tend to be open to talking
about their values, thoughts, emotions, and sensations. In fact, they may
interrupt your monologues to tell you about what they’re feeling—when
they do, they’ll probably also disclose their values, so listen.
Revealers want your understanding—i.e., they want you to listen.
Signs of a Revealer: She’s comfortable talking about her emotions
and feelings. Occasionally, she can be so eager to share her
internal experience that she’ll interrupt you.
How to Stimulate a Revealer: Ask her questions about her values
and feelings. Listen to what she tells you—let her talk herself into
arousal– and then incorporate her keywords into your monologues.
Then again listen for more feedback.
Concealers: Concealers tend to be reluctant to talk about their values and
their internal experiences. Typically, this stems from suspicion, a fear of
inadequacy, or both. Highly disciplined professional women, fragile
introverts, and formerly-fat girls are all frequently Concealers. When a
woman is in Concealer mode, you should be prepared to feed her many,
many descriptions while refraining from asking her many questions. They’ll
usually eventually open up, but they need to be warmed up, and their
confidence should be gained, by hearing many things from you first. Bear
in mind that persistent signs of fragility suggest that someone is skating on
thin ice, emotionally; such people can lash out in extreme, impulsive, and
desperate ways.
Concealers value trust.
Signs of a Concealer: She’ll avoid answering questions about her
values and internal experiences. Conversely, she’ll often listen
greedily to what you tell her about your experiences or others’
How to Stimulate a Concealer: Don’t pry. Instead, tell her lots and
lots about your experiences and those of others.
Contrarians: Contrarians tend to be very open about telling you how your
descriptions don’t match her experience, and how your inferences and
assumptions about her are wrong, and how, generally, she is nothing like
what you think. Typically, you should agree with what a Contrarian says,
but then rely on the Don’t Equals Do corollary to the Pink Elephant
Principle: Couch your commands in negations. “No, there’s absolutely no
way you can feel incredibly good right now.” “There’s no way you can feel
the sunlight penetrating all the way inside you.” You can also use the sort
of tag questions associated with high-pressure salesmen: “You can feel
good…can you not?” “You like this…don’t you?” A subset of Contrarians
are habituallly hostile and aggressive—and oftentimes, this hostility is a
test for weeding out insufficiently aggressive males. In these (rare) cases,
the gist of your messages should be this: Don’t be such a bitch and a fool;
what you’re saying is bullshit, and only amuses me. When such a woman
barks, the most productive response, oddly, is to bark back even more
aggressively and contemptuously…sad but true. At any rate, negations fit
neatly into expressions of sarcasm and contempt.
Contrarians value challenge; hostile ones value extreme
Signs of a Contrarian: She’ll focus on how what you describe differs
from her experiences, and probably tell you about these
differences. She’ll disagree often. She may try to poke holes in what
you’re saying. She may be outright hostile.
How to Stimulate a Contrarian: Use negations, challenges, and
sometimes forcefulness.
As a side note, many of my students who’d felt intimidated by the
thought of approaching women had the belief that most women are of the
Warrior Contrarian variety. Actually, very few are. And remember, Warrior
Contrarians just happen to believe that blatant dominance=strength=worth,
and want to be able to smell and feel the waves of testosterone rising from
your body. As with Concealers, a significant proportion of truly hostile
Contrarians don’t have much emotional flexibility or resilience; in dealing
with them, unusual care should be taken.
Sensualists: Sensualists tend to respond well to descriptions of pleasurable
states, particularly to descriptions of physical pleasure. And they can get
impatient when you don’t supply enough descriptions of physical, sensual
pleasure, or when you don’t start touching them. On the other hand, some
can be made uncomfortable by descriptions of emotional states,
particularly descriptions of emotional bonding, as well by questions about
internal experiences.
Sensualists care about excitement and variety.
Signs of a Sensualist: Once you start a description, she’ll typically
give you at least a moment or two of undivided attention, so that
she can determine how good you can make her feel. Abstract talk
of values may bore her.
How to Stimulate a Sensualist: Use sensual, sexual talk combined
with a fast, smooth transition to physical action.
1. There are four general modes of female response.
2. Revealers like talking about their values, experiences, and sensations.
You should let them talk.
3. Concealers are reluctant to disclose their internal experiences. Feed
them descriptions.
4. Contrarians disagree with what you say. Use negations; if a Contrarian
is extremely hostile, outdo her hostility and contempt.
5. Sensualists like blatantly sensual descriptions; they’re also quickly
comfortable with physical contact. With Sensualists, you should attempt
to get physical relatively fast.
For information on how to push and pull personality types, read Gut Impact.
XXII. The Rhythm Method, or Using a Hypnotic Vocal Tempo
When offering a description and trying to induce an emotion, you…
should speak… really… really… slowly.
Speaking slowly, even when it initially sounds funny, has a strong…
impact…on your listener’s…emotions.
Start off by silently counting “One Thousand” to yourself between
phrases. As your images become richer and more detailed, start counting
“One Thousand, Two Thousand” between phrases. As you close in for the
knock-out, go to counts of Three Thousand and then Four Thousand. As
your descriptions get more abstract and emotionally intimate—as you move
from talking about the environment or the physical world… to talking
about… The Deepest… Parts… of Who… She… Truly… Is, your pauses
should become longer.
The longer you pause, the more impact the next thing you say will
Will this seem artificial and awkward at first? Probably. But even if
the woman you’re talking to thinks you’re speaking unnaturally slowly, she’ll
get used to it within a few moments. She’ll then start to think, “Oh, that’s
just Bob—that’s just the way he talks” or “He talks like this when he’s really
sharing his feelings.”
More to the point, whatever she thinks about the fact that you’re
talking slowly, she will feel a powerful response.
XXIII. Embedded Messages
You can nest messages within larger messages, by using vocal emphasis
or gesture.
“I wonder what it would feel like to do this now.”
“How do you…feel…Pleasure…with me…is something I always
strive for. Okay, maybe I am being kinda trite, I guess…”
“Hmm, there’s this box. I wonder if later I should… put this {POINT
TO SELF} inside…You…have an opinion on this?”
XXIV. Thought Injection
You can present a command while seeming to tell her about a thought.
“…Sometimes this feeling of peace can be so wonderful that a very
wise part of yourself seems to tell you, ‘Surrender right now! Take
this {POINT TO SELF} all the way inside you!’”
“My friend Veronica said that the guy was so exciting, it was as if
his whole body, all his personal energy, was just telling her, ‘You
need me, you need me, you need me’…and then a voice inside her
seemed to say, “Yes, it’s true, this man {POINT TO SELF} has
what you need.’ ”
“Haven’t you ever felt so attracted to someone that it’s as if every
part of you—your eyes, your voice, the blush of your cheeks, the
way you’re standing—is just saying to this guy, ‘We are destined for
each other’…haven’t you felt this?”
XXV. (Hypnotic, Persuasive, Seductive) Leadership
Leadership: How’s that for a buzzword? Here, though, it has real
relevance, in the sense that taking the lead by feeling and exhibiting the
state you wish to induce is the best way to induce that state.
To induce an intense emotional state in another person, describe
the state while you look and sound and act as if you’re feeling it yourself.
Think of a time you told a story really well—was your voice flat and
uninflected? Did your arms hang limp at your sides? Probably not. When
you tell a story really well, you get into the act—you act out what you’re
talking about.
If you want to turn someone on, talk about being in love while
looking and sounding and acting as if you are passionately in love—widen
your eyes, raise and lower your voice, gesture dramatically, talk as if filled
with intense devotion or uncontrollable emotion. Yes, it all sounds silly.
Yes, it works.
To inspire an emotion, you must first exhibit that emotion.
1. To make someone else feel an emotion, you should look and sound as
if you are feeling that emotion yourself.
2. The more intensely you exhibit the emotion, the more thoroughly you
can induce it.
XXVI. Inner Wealth, or Giving Her All You’ve Got, Without Having to Buy
Her Anything
Get a piece of paper and a pen. This is one of the most important
parts of this book. In this section, you’ll learn how to turn the raw material of
your life into ammunition. You’ll learn how to transform the details of your
life and your dreams into the inner wealth a woman craves.
Jot down the following things:
1 Your job
2 Something you do for fun
3 Something you really want to do but haven’t done yet
4 Something you’ve done and really loved
5 Some experience you had that is at least somewhat, mildly unusual
6 Some places you’ve been
7 Something you do for fun which would probably bore most people
8 Particulars about a time you fell in love, or a friend of yours fell in love,
or movies you’ve seen or stories you’ve read about falling in love
Now go through each of the things you’ve written down, and think of how
the various parts of each item—and every item can be broken down into
many, many parts–can be related to one of the following positive emotions:
2) absorption/fascination/dreaminess/childlike perceptions/surrender to
something greater
3) emotional connection to other people
4) intensity/excitement
5) daring/bravery
6) power/success/competence
7) doing things unconsciously, automatically, instinctively
8) sexual arousal
To break each item down, consider the following questions: What,
specifically, was I seeing at the time, and what would she see if she were in
my position? What was I imagining? What was I hearing or telling myself?
What was I feeling emotionally or physically?
When assembling these descriptions, concentrate on linking the
experiences to the emotional states. Fudge all you need to. Even if you
hate your job, for example, or that trip to Yellowstone was the most boring
three days of your life, imagine what, in the best of all possible worlds,
could be or could have been worthwhile about those experiences. Milk
them, and take all the time you need.
To get you started, here’s an example: Making widgets. Even
though you may despise making widgets all day at the widget factory, you
can still convert the experience into a tapestry of rich details and narratives.
“When Joe next to me hands me the widget, I always find myself
taking a deep breath—just instinctively, you know—and then I find
myself getting totally absorbed in the process of examining the thing in
front of me. You know, you just feel that place of passion open up inside
of you, because you’re beginning to feel this emotional and even
spiritual connection. This is what you feel, when you know going to do
the thing that’s important right now. It’s as if, in that moment, I’m a kid
again, maybe seven years old. And I’m in awe of this piece of blue wood,
orange plastic, and gunmetal gray steel that’s in my hands. I think of all
the people whose lives I’m going to touch by making this widget as perfect
as can be, and this is incredibly exciting. When I think of this sense of
connection, I feel this warmth flow up through my solar plexus, down
my legs, along my arms, pulsing, pulsing, pulsing. The widget feels
good in my hands, because I’ve handled lots of widgets, and I now have
a deep, instinctive comfort with them—it may sound silly, but it’s a kind of
oneness. I mean, you know what that’s like? You know, it’s the kind of
feeling that comes from just surrendering to a sense of connection, and
going with it. It’s a kind of artistry. I feel being an artist is mainly a matter of
how you feel about what you do. I’m a widget-maker, and my hands know
exactly how to make certain things feel good.”
When you read the paragraph above, you probably thought, That’s
the lamest, most banal and idiotic bullshit I’ve ever read. Most women
would laugh in my face if I spouted off like that.
Well, guess what. Women’s brains really are wired differently, and
they process language differently. Different kinds of language appeal to
them. If you want to see what I mean, go try to read a romance novel.
Email me if you get more than ten pages in without getting totally lost or
thoroughly nauseous.
In any case, realizing that women are wired to respond to language
which men would find incomprehensible or ludicrous, and then learning
how to dish it out, at will, with exactly the right delivery, is critical if you want
to able to walk into any given room and fondle the breasts of the prettiest
girl there within five to ten minutes.
XXVII. A Map of the World: Two Strategies for Seduction
All of the techniques and distinctions you are learning to use have a
single goal: Leading your female listener to experience more pleasure than
she was experiencing a moment before.
There are two basic strategies you can employ to further this goal:
1. Get her thinking about a pleasurable experience, one that
she hadn’t really considered before.
2. Get her thinking about some pleasurable fantasy or memory
that’s latent within her.
Approach One, in which you tell her about an experience–your
experience, perhaps, or your friend’s experience, or really, any experience-
– without asking for any information from her, is usually the best place to
When you start off telling her about an experience, as opposed to
asking her about her experiences or values, she’s much less likely to feel
threatened, invaded, or put on the spot. By feeding her descriptions filled
with imagery and emotional abstraction, you make her feel good while
letting her feel safe. From her perspective, it seems as if you are inviting
her into your inner world.
Basically, you are taking her out of her present circumstances, and
by feeding her rich, pleasurable descriptions, you are taking her someplace
she will like more.
Once you feed one pleasurable description, feed her another and
another and another. Describe a given emotion three or five or seven ways.
Take your time. Then move to another, slightly more intense emotion.
Move from talking about comfort, for example, to talking about learning.
Describe that emotion three or five or seven ways, at length and in detail.
Quote a friend, real or imaginary, on the subject of the emotion you’re
describing, so that you seem to be telling your listener your friend’s opinion
on the matter.
Approach Two consists of probing your listener’s inner world—that
is, her beliefs, values, fantasies, and pleasurable memories—and then
using what she tells you to increase her pleasure. Once your listener has
relaxed, and if she seems comfortable answering questions about herself,
find out her values. Ask her questions like, What makes your good friends
different from your friends?, and then, What makes your lovers different
from your good friends? Ask her what she likes about what she studies, or
her job. Feed the values, the emotional abstractions that she names back
to her—if she talks about how important “challenge” or “excitement” is, wait
awhile, then start describing “challenge” or “excitement” in descriptive,
“romantic” ways. You can have her think of a pleasant memory, and then
experiment with her subjective experience of the memory. For example,
you can tell her to make the mental picture larger, brighter, more colorful—
tell her to look at the memory as if she’s experiencing it, instead of seeing
herself in the image–tell her to make the picture a movie rather than a still
frame. You can tell her to make the sounds in the memory louder, or tell
her to hear the sounds from the memory seem to come from outside
herself. You can tell her to notice where in her body the good feelings
begin, and then notice the texture and temperature of those feelings—tell
her to make the feeling more intense, and to move the feeling through her
body, or feel it around her, engulfing her. Et cetera. (These subjective
details of perception, seemingly trivial but in fact bizarrely powerful, are
called submodalities in NLP.) Once you know one of her pleasant fantasies
(relaxing on a beach, for example) or memories, you can describe it back
to her, using rich sensory detail and while describing emotion after emotion
after emotion.
Ideally, you should combine the two approaches. In most cases,
you should begin by describing pleasant states. After you’ve engaged her
attention, made her comfortable and relaxed, you should ask questions that
elicit her values, and perhaps her fantasies. Once you know her values,
feed her values—her emotional keywords–back to her; offer more pleasant
descriptions, with her keywords sewn into your descriptions. And as you
evoke stronger emotions and elicit more intense emotions, you can probe
for deeper information about her desires—information that you then use in
the next group of descriptions. And so on, back and forth. Describe; probe;
As you create more and more rapport, going deeper into the Inward
Spiral which is her Self, you can describe more and more potent emotions.
Having begun with comfort, you can proceed to wonder, thence to
pleasure, thence to passion, and finally to love or passion or surrender. As
you describe states of ever greater intensity, your descriptions should
begin to include more and more erotic metaphors. Remember, so long as
you act as if you don’t realize your metaphors can be interpreted as being
sexually suggestive, she’ll have a very strong tendency to rationalize that
you’re not being sexual. She’ll instead remind herself that you’re being
passionate and intense and poetic…even though she’s getting sexually
XXVII. Pickup Outline
Note: “Describe” implies describing with all the hypnotic tools and language
patterns you’ve learned so far.
1. Ignition: Focus
a. Mirror her
b. Make attention-getting introductory comment
2. First Gear: Comfort
a. Describe experience of comfort
b. Ask about her experience of comfort
c. Repeat a. and b., until she’s thoroughly comfortable
3. Second Gear: Excitement
a. Describe experience of excitement
-cascade descriptions into states of increasing intensity and
emotional intimacy
b. Ask about her experience of excitement
c. Repeat a. and b., until she’s thoroughly excited
4. Third Gear: Sexuality
a. Use sexual metaphors, sexual stories, quoted sexual
propositions, sexual jokes.
5. Fourth Gear: Physical Contact
a. Get her someplace private.
b. Use physical demonstrations and physical metaphors as a
pretext for physical contact.
-nonverbally transition into sexual activity
c. Use Verbal Pacing, Hypnotic Tempo to build impact for direct
sexual proposition
1 Ignition: Focus
A) If your target is relatively stationary, mirror one of her bodily rhythms
or posture. Sit the way she’s sitting, or breathe at the same pace she’s
breathing. You can watch the rise and fall of her shoulder to follow her
B) If she’s moving, mirror her movement rhythm. Let your arms and
legs move at the same pace her arms and legs do. If the two of you are
headed in opposite directions, and you have no time to pace, stop her with
a comment.
C)Introductory Comment
a Compliment her (“You look absolutely stunning!”); or
b Remark on some unusual or outstanding trait (“You’ve crafted a
gorgeous look—your boots in particular are marvelous.”);
A certain degree of asexuality can be useful here, as though
you’re not hitting on her, but are simply making an approving
evaluation, one tasteful person to another.
Think jaded Talent Scout or detached gay designer.
The point of the introductory comment is just to get her to stop
moving and focus on you.
Advanced approaches include showing some originality or creativity in your
comments. For example, you might want to exaggerate the effects of the
outstanding trait: “Your boots are so shiny that pilots landing aircraft will be
beckoned near, from all directions. There will be crashes. There will be
disasters. On the other hand, some people will get home early, and the
glimmering curves of your boots will guide them safely home through the
darkness.” Smile and gesture elaborately—be campy and playful; this will
indicate that you know you are saying weird things, and therefore are
stimulating and provocative and funny (as opposed to not knowing you are
saying weird things, in which case she will likely think you’re scary as hell).
1. First Gear: Comfort
Make sure you start mirroring her. Then reinforce the sense of comfort
mirroring creates by describing states of comfort, safety, and rapport.
A good way to introduce these descriptions of states is by using a story,
or talking about a third-party, e.g., “Your eyes look like my friend Judy’s.
Actually, I was on the phone with her the other day, and she started
telling me about this intense experience she had in the park one day.
She was just lying in the sun, reading, and this guy came up. Judy said
something about this guy just made her feel really comfortable—like
there was this immediate electricity back and forth between them, this
feeling of total connection. She said it was like blah blah blah…”
“My friend Sasha talks a lot about connection. You know? She says, it’s
odd—there are some people you meet {POINT AWAY FROM
YOURSELF}, and you know, they’re very nice and polite, but you never
really feel any deep rapport or connection with them {POINT AWAY}.
You know, you don’t have a sudden sense of curiosity about them. You
aren’t pulled toward them. On the other hand, there are some people
{POINT TO SELF} with whom you do feel a sudden curiosity, a sudden
connection, a sudden rapport. It’s like, you want to know this person..
{PTS} This person seems interesting. {PTS} It’s almost as if it feels like
things in your life have conspired to introduce you to this person
{PTS}—as if you and this person {PTS} were meant to meet. And you
start to feel as if this just might be so important that it begins to feel as if
you can take all the time you need, right now, just to get to know this
person {PTS}. Other stuff seems trivial and small in comparison. You
have this sense of perfect safety, combined with a little tingle of
excitement, and you just want to open up and absorb this
experience…it’s like, by letting yourself enjoy this moment, you are
giving yourself a little gift. Isn’t this a great feeling, when you can now
feel this is what’s happening?”
“What’s great is when you have that sudden, profound sense of
connection, that feeling that you’re sharing meaningful communication.
It’s almost like you and this special person {PTS} are inside a great
glass globe, and everything else is on the outside and far far away—
everything that tries to interfere just goes tink tink tink on the surface
and then you forget about it—and here, inside this globe, with this
increasingly fascinating, special person {PTS}, it’s as if you have infinite
time and infinite space. It’s almost as if the two of you are taking the
first steps to building a world together. Doesn’t this feel really
good…when…this is now what’s happening…W
ith me…this is the way I feel about it.”
There are two basic approaches to stimulating her emotions. It is
usually best to combine them, going back and forth from one to the
a Describe an experience (and thereby stimulate her imagination
and emotions)
b Ask a question about her values (and thereby learn about her
sense of self, how she processes experience, and how best to
stimulate her emotions)
Let’s say you choose to ask her a question about her values, e.g., “If
you could absolutely anywhere right now, doing absolutely anything,
where would you be ? What would you be doing?” When she gives you
an answer—for example, lying on a beach, or sitting in a Parisian
café—you can then cycle through these two choices again, by asking
something like, “What would you love most about lying on the beach?
Would it give you a sense of serenity? Of freedom? Of adventure? Of
raw physical pleasure?” In any event, these sorts of questions allow
you to discover her values; once you know them, you can tailor your
descriptions to what she likes, thereby producing a much more powerful
physical and emotional and erotic response.
Note that you can prod the imagination while asking the sort of question
presented above by slipping in examples, thus:
“…What would you be doing? You know, climbing a mountain, lying on
the beach, sculpting, dancing, painting? What would make you feel
incredibly good?”
As an alternative to asking her about her values, you can launch into a
description of an experience. This has the advantage of immediately
stimulating her imagination. Also, some women aren’t immediately
comfortable answering questions about themselves, and this approach
allows you to shovel good feelings inside them without them having to
let down their guard. After all, you’re telling them things—they’re not
revealing themselves. So, to take the descriptive approach, first make
an Introductory Comment, then say something like, “Your hair reminds
me a lot of my friend Scheherezade. The other day, we were talking,
and she told me about this intense experience she had in the Museum
of Modern Art. This guy came up to her and said…” Or you can say
something like, “You look like you should be in some vast, dark,
brooding, Gothic castle, with torches throwing shadows on the walls, a
gossamer dress trailing from your shoulders, feeling a tremendous
sense of expectancy, as though you feel it’s time for something special
to happen…” Or, “You look as if you should be striding down the
runway, light bulbs flashing all about you, as you stare off into infinity,
just feeling everyone’s curiosity radiate through you…” Or, “You look as
though you’re emanating pure energy! Your eyes just look so bright and
Again, it helps to pick out some distinctive trait, and then exaggerate it
enough that your imagination can make some word-pictures out of it.
Don’t worry about talking too much. Once you start a monologue, she’ll
just classify you as a guy who talks a lot, and become comfortable with
it. Since you’ll be saying things specifically designed to stimulate and
arouse her, she’ll like your blabbering more and more.
At any point, you can switch from eliciting values to describing
experiences, and in fact, it’s good to switch back and forth. Learning
her values will enable you to tailor your descriptions for greater effect,
and you can use descriptions to amplify the emotions she associates
with a value. Let’s say she loves the feeling of serenity that comes from
lying on the beach, You can say, “Yeah, it’s great when you feel a
sense of serenity…like this…now…with me…I sometimes feel serenity
is like this great internal stillness…I just stop talking, stop thinking…and
then, you know, the things you’re now seeing…and hearing…just make
you focus completely…and you find yourself growing completely
comfortable with this…as if you’re meant to experience this…and you
feel more and more connected, on deeper and deeper levels, to
everything you’re now seeing and hearing…with me…it’s like this…and
you sense all this penetrating into your heart and soul…so it really
comes inside you…all the way…and you know this is going to go
deeper and deeper…you know, when you… feel this…now…with
me…with this feeling, you just feel this even more powerfully…the
things you’re seeing and hearing, the things in front of you…just fill your
mind and your soul completely…and you become aware of a space
inside you…waiting for this…meant for this…and what you are now
seeing and hearing automatically, easily, naturally, irresistibly, slides
into that special space inside you…and as you sense it, you know
you’re meant to have this inside you…it’s destiny…and because you
are aware of this…in this moment…with me…with me, now…to me,
that’s how you know this experience…this sense of being totally
filled…deeply penetrated..emotionally…fulfilled…with me…this is how
you know this is right for who you are now…And you know, this is what
you are meant to feel and hold in your life, in your heart, in your mind,
and in every nerve and muscle and fold of your body. Serenity is a
wonderful thing, isn’t it?”
In most cases, you should concentrate on inducing states of comfort
and connection first. Once you’ve induced a state of comfort and
connection—once it looks like she’s really mellow and she’s enjoying
listening to you, move on to deeper emotions and more sensual
2. Second Gear: Excitement
Once you’ve started things rolling with descriptions, questions or both,
you’ll probably want to amplify her responses. There are a number of
ways you can do this.
a Tell stories about other people’s exciting, transcendental, or
sensual experiences. “Your hair reminds me of Joanie, a friend of
mine who rowed crew in college. You know what she loved about
crew? She loved how good it felt when she rowed. She said it was
like a feeling of hot red warmth going deeper and deeper through
every part of her…” “It’s funny how different people have such
different vibes. Your vibes remind me of Katya’s—she’s a friend of
mine who…” People almost invariably go into trance when they are
told stories, and are in any event expected to listen politely, so
stories are good both for making people shut up and listen and for
an excuse to deliver highly charged descriptions which people will
listen to comfortably. It’s best to get in the habit of telling story after
story after story, with as many emotional and sensual descriptions
as possible shoehorned into a story framework. When something is
presented as a story, it tends to be swallowed without analysis—a
story is a kind of freebie, so put it to your advantage. Get her
subconscious firmly on the emotional track you want, by telling lots
of stories which feature the emotions you want her to feel.
b Elicit specific sensory descriptions of her internal experience—
her internal metaphors for her emotional states. “Oh, yes, serenity
is wonderful. When you feel a tremendous, deep sense of serenity,
where does it begin inside you? Your head? Your heart? Your
belly?…Oh, your belly. Is that a warm feeling or a cool
feeling?…Oh, a cool feeling. If this feeling were a color, what color
would it be? Oh, blue…nice. What would it be like, to feel a cool,
blue sense of pure serenity begin in your belly, and then deepen
and deepen and deepen, expand and expand and expand, so it
touches the places inside you this sense of serenity has never yet
touched so completely, and you feel wonderful sensations you’ve
never felt before? What does this feeling of serenity lead to, that’s
even better?” Once she gives you a description of her perceptions,
exaggerate the sensory qualities of the description. Why? These
internal metaphors typically have a direction—they will fall along a
spectrum, such that if she imagines a pleasant experience as being
especially bright, if you tell her to make the image brighter, it will
become more pleasurable. The rule of thumb is this: whatever
makes the perception more perceptible (larger,louder, harder) will
intensify the emotion that the perception helps represent. This is the
NLP concept of submodalities. So tell her to make her mental
picture of a pleasurable experience bigger and brighter and closer,
to make those pleasing internal sounds and voices louder or more
resonant or more melodic, to make the feelings in her chest or belly
or feet warmer or more solid. (The speed and power of this
approach tends to seem magical, and can quickly establish the idea
that you have Mystical Power and Wisdom.)
c Emotional cascading. “Oh, yes, serenity is wonderful. What’s
great is when you feel such a profound… sense… of serenity… that
you become aware… of the parts of yourself… that have been lost
to habit. And when, because of your serenity…you’ve now reached
this awareness… you suddenly enjoy the realization… that you’re
now open… to wonderful new experiences. And in now… fully…
recognizing that you’re now… in the right place…emotionally…
now… here…for a wonderful new experience…here…deep
inside… you open…like a flower… to this passionate… moment of
realization… inside you… and really feel…deep inside you…and
really know… deep inside you… that spreading yourself… wide…
emotionally, and taking this …intense… new
experience…inside…who you… truly… are… inside your depths…
right now… is exactly… the thing you need to feel deep inside
you…to feel and know…that opening… to this experience now…
moves you…deeper…inside your core…and further on your path.
And when… you now hear this special voice…inside you…tearing
off the masks, the costumes…the unnecessary things…and telling
you… ‘Yes, you do feel this way now, and this is right for you…
now’… then you… just have this… tremendous feeling inside
you…this sense that you are destined to open yourself to this
experience, and you know you’re going to look back on this, months
from now, and smile.”
d Proofs by Enjoyable Analogy. “Oh, yes, serenity is
wonderful…now…with me…it’s like, when you feel real serenity, it’s
like you’re walking through the forest, and everything you see and
hear just becomes more and more beautiful, because you’re open
to it, and this feeling of openness is like suddenly realizing there
has been a cage around your heart, and this cage suddenly
spreads wide open, and you’re now filled with this feeling of longing
for what you know you are meant to have…”
3. Third Gear: Sexuality
Now that you’ve built rapport by mirroring her, thoroughly induced states of
comfort and connection by talking about what these states feel like
(preferably by talking about other peoples’ experiences), and begun to
ramp her feelings up by using her own values and submodalities, you can
begin to intensify the erotic component.
a Erotic metaphors. These are descriptions of emotional or physical
states which each have at least one quality of a sexual act—that is,
they involve penetrating, sucking, spreading open, entering, coming
inside, thrusting, warming and moistening, orgasmically exploding, or
rhythmically moving, etc. “When you feel this state of serenity really
powerfully, it can almost be like you have pure bliss right in front of you,
pure ambrosia, distilled to a nectar in a glass, and as you look at it,
knowing you’re going to drink it down, you already start to feel even
more excited and even more in touch with the most glorious parts of
yourself, because you know… sucking… this sweet… sticky…
ambrosia… of pure joy… is exactly what you need.” “When you feel
this kind of connection with someone, it’s as if you feel all that’s
beautiful within this person’s essence shoot forth and penetrate all the
way into the deepest depths of your soul–deeper and deeper, until you
almost lose consciousness of everything but how deeply this feeling is
filling you.” “It’s as if every part of you is warming and melting, like the
wax of a candle, and with every moment, you feel your old self melt
more and more, as you become more and more ready to receive this
new experience, and take what it has to give you all the way inside, into
an opening within a part of you no-one else has ever truly explored in
the way that you know you’re meant to feel begin happening now, the
way that is now going to change everything and allow your heart to
spread wide open and feel the kind of love and connection you want to
penetrate all the way inside you, into your very core. ”
b Quoted Sexual Propositions. These are explicit, or nearly explicit,
sexual suggestions attributed to other people—characters in a story,
perhaps. “And when you feel that you can have and taste this
ambrosia, as if it’s in a glass in front of you, the experience can be so
powerful and undeniable and irresistible that the glass seems to have a
straw in it, just waiting for you, meant for you to take inside you, and the
straw itself says, ‘This is what you want. This experience we’re going to
have is why I’m here and why you’re here, so just take me in your
mouth and suck me right now.’” “…So, in the middle of the party, this
guy tells my friend Kathryn, ‘You are ready to be possessed by me.
Your fears have been fighting this, but your body has accepted what is
now going to happen. Your emotions have accepted what is going to
happen. We are now going to go to my car, where I will remove your
clothes, I will possess you, and because you are silent right now, you
have already surrendered and you know you will love it when you feel
me inside you.’”
c Sexual Stories. Tell her lots and lots of stories about falling in love,
about having wild passionate flings with mysterious strangers, and so
forth. The more sexual stories you tell, the better. Remember, stories,
like quotes, induce strong states while deflecting responsibility for
inducing or feeling those states.
d Sexual Jokes. Sex jokes have the titillating power of sexual stories, and
the additional benefit of humor, which breaks down existing beliefs and
attitudes. When you get her to laugh, you are demonstrating in an
undeniable way that you can make her feel something powerful, and
you are also moving her into a state where her habitual defenses fall
4. Fourth Gear: Contact
It’s often a good idea to move her to someplace private, before taking
the next steps. It is not, however, strictly necessary…
a Localization of Emotion. One way to get physical is to ask where
an emotion begins inside her, physically. “When you feel Emotion
X, where does that feeling begin? Here?” {POINT TO YOUR HEAD}
BELLY} For that matter, if she’s really, really worked up, you can
point to your crotch, though you still may want to pass that off as a
Silly Joke, saying something like, “Just kidding!” In any case, she’ll
oftentimes touch herself where the feeling begins, or point there. If
she just points to the place, or doesn’t even do that, she’s probably
not ready for physical contact. On the other hand, when, in answer
to your question, she touches a place on her body, the odds are
good that she’s open to physical contact there. If, for example, she
says, “My heart,” and puts her hand on her heart, then, after she
moves her hand away, you can put your hand where her hand was,
and ask, “Is this a warm or cool feeling?” She’ll likely totally
disregard the fact that your hand is on her chest, or even her
breast, and instead focus on answering the question, as well as
focus on feeling the emotion you’re asking about even more
powerfully. By the same token, if, when you ask where the feeling
comes from, she rubs her entire chest, she’s probably open to
having her whole chest rubbed—just don’t make a big deal out of it,
and keep asking earnest questions and providing rich descriptions.
b Physical Metaphor. You can make her emotions and internal
experience an excuse for initiating physical contact. Tell her to form
an image of herself feeling really good two feet in front of her, and
then, once she forms the image clearly and experiences some of
the feelings, pull her by the waist or shoulder into that spot two feet
away. She’ll now probably find the pleasant feeling deepening, and
you’ve broken the physical barrier. For that matter, you can use
what Richard Bandler calls a sliding anchor, in order to intensify a
good feeling she has. For example, you can tell her to remember a
good feeling, then touch her arm. Tell her that as you slowly move
your finger up her arm, that good feeling is going to keep multiplying
in intensity, and with every stroke, the feeling is going to double in
intensity. This way, you’ll be inducing very, very powerful feelings,
and she’ll be getting increasingly comfortable with the fact that you
are touching her.
c Direct Sexual Proposition: When you really want to go all-out,
use Verbal Matching—telling her things which her senses will verify,
or which agree with what she believes or knows–to build rhetorical
power and emotional impact (“We’ve just met…And I know nothing
of the formative moments of your life…And I wasn’t there at the
moment of your birth…And we’re in a café…And you have a
boyfriend…And you have dreams you haven’t totally satisfied”) and
then bluntly proposition her (“…So I have this strong, undeniable
feeling…that we are destined to now share each other’s
bodies…we are destined to make love…you are meant to feel me
all the way inside you, now…as I am meant to feel your
energies…as our energies, shared, double and multiply…because
some things are just meant to be.”)
1. Ignition: Focus
c. Mirror her
d. Make attention-getting introductory comment
2. First Gear: Comfort
d. Describe experience of comfort
e. Ask about her experience of comfort
f. Repeat, until she’s thoroughly comfortable
3. Second Gear: Excitement
d. Describe experience of excitement
-cascade descriptions into states of increasing intensity and
emotional intimacy
e. Ask about her experience of excitement
f. Repeat, until she’s thoroughly excited
4. Third Gear: Sexuality
b. Use erotic metaphors, sexual stories, quoted sexual
propositions, sexual jokes.
5. Fourth Gear: Physical Contact
d. Get her someplace private.
e. Use physical demonstrations and physical metaphors as a
pretext for physical contact.
-nonverbally transition into sexual activity
c. Use Verbal Pacing, Hypnotic Tempo to build impact for direct
sexual proposition
Note: “Describe” implies describing with all the hypnotic tools and language
patterns you’ve so far.
Thanks for reading. I welcome your comments, feedback, questions, and
accounts of your adventures. Email me at info@sexualkey.com.
At every pause, count silently in thousands, to Two Thousand or Three
Thousand or Four Thousand.
Before every topic, imagine saying, “My friend Catherine says,”
“When you really feel comfort…”
“It’s like all the things had been overwhelming you or which seemed
so big and important a moment ago have now gotten smaller, like they’re
very far away, like you now have breathing room. And because you now
have breathing room, you become open to appreciating and savoring
things more fully…as if time is slowing down…and you find yourself
learning more…from this thing {POINT TO SELF}…the thing you’re
focusing on {POINT TO SELF}…all the things you’re seeing…and listening
to {POINT TO SELF}…because the more you focus on these things, the
more comfortable you are now feeling….and the more comfortable you
feel…the more you find yourself open….to learning and
appreciating…because time is slowing down…and it’s as if warm comfort is
flowing through you like warm maple syrup…flowing through every part of
you…with me…feeling this personally…this comfort makes you aware of
your arms…and the comfort fills your arms…and makes you aware of your
shoulders…and this comfort fills your shoulders…and your legs…and this
comfort fills your legs…just as this comfort fills your heart…because this
experience {POINT TO SELF}…is setting you at ease…in a way that is
now making you feel new good things….and appreciate good new
things…more thoroughly.”
“Comfort is like being at the beach, perhaps on a cool day but when
you yourself are dressed really warmly…and the warmth of your clothes
seems to almost go inside your body…and make all the waves seem very
far away…and very peaceful…and as you watch the waves tumble…and
watch the birds land and fly…and land again…and as you hear the birds
call…and hear the hiss of the waves and tide…you feel this profound
sense of peace…like time itself is just the movement of the waves…like
time is endless…and so the best thing is to feel yourself…opening…to this
moment…feeling this sense of comfort…this serenity…this stillness inside
you…in a way which allows you to appreciate and learn from and connect
with…the new things in your life {POINT TO SELF}…”
“Comfort…with me{POINT TO SELF}…personally… is like when
you meet someone new…and talking to this person{POINT TO
SELF}….slows down the jumble of thoughts in your mind…makes you
focus on this moment…and the things you say in this moment…just echo
inside you…and the more you focus on this moment…the more you feel in
touch with yourself…in a way that makes you feel even more at peace and
more comfortable…as if this person’s energy feels like warm sunshine on
your bare skin…like music that really touches your heart…and puts you in
touch with yourself…in a way that lets time slow down…so that you can
really appreciate….and learn from…and share…and connect with this
person {POINT TO SELF}…”
sometimes someone’s presence is so soothing,
it’s like his voice wraps around you and warms every part of you,
like a soft robe or a blanket or the heat of a fire,
or as if his presence is this warm warm warm sauna or bath into which
you are letting yourself
plunge all the way inside
the kind of bath which is so good you want to empathize with it
because this pool of water has been made warm in order to have someone
inside it
this experience is meant for you and you alone, right now
and you feel how this bath needs to have someone come inside it
and you know this experience is meant for you right now
and you realize how much every part of you,
even those parts you’ve forgotten about and whose needs you’ve
been neglecting,
is imagining and feeling and craving this experience,
yearning to open up to this warmth and this embrace,
to open up and feel the heat rush into every part of you
and to feel whole and complete.
“And as you’re feeling real comfort like this, it opens you to the experience
of powerful, meaningful, connection…to me, now…this is what real comfort
is like…”
“My friend Janet says, when you feel this sense of comfort deepen, it
opens the possibility of connection….”
“Thinking about this…now…with me…personally…I find this comfort
is most important in that it allows your sense of possibility to…spread
wide…open up…like wings…like the covers of a book…you know? It’s
like…with me…because you feel so comfortable….it’s as if your
senses…your emotions… now feel things…wonderful things…more
powerfully….and good things…go deeper inside you… emotionally…they
touch you…in new ways…and the more of this comfort…you now
feel…with me…I mean, it’s like…the more you…feel yourself being
touched…as if by a breeze…as if by sunlight…in a way which lets…you
feel open….to a real connection…with me…where I stand…it seems this
kind of connection is like feeling everything that’s special inside you…like
warm…pulsing…red…light…begins to reach out and penetrate into the
other person…and everything that’s special about that person…like
red…warm…pulsing energy…begins to penetrate…you…enter
you…through your heart…come inside you…fulfill you…in a way that
allows you to now open…more completely…truly spread wide…now…with
me, this seems a beautiful experience…don’t you think so?”
“When you find yourself feeling this kind of comfort…with me…I
mean…my feeling…is you know…this comfort just surrounds
you…embraces you….enfolds you…like a blanket…or when you’re
with…with me…it’s like…when you’re with a special person…and this
person…makes you feel warm…and safe…and because this person
makes you feel so safe…you enjoy this….you enjoy opening up…you
enjoy opening more and more…to me….this enjoyment is
like…swimming…with me…this is like you and this person are swimming
together…plunging into the deep…with me…it feels like…you are going
deeper and deeper…into a warm and infinite ocean…and seeing blue
water…and lovely colors…and beautiful creatures all around you…and
you’re silent…except for the beating of your heart…and you feel more and
more connected…To me…the more you think about this…the more you
connect…To me…Seeing this creates this inner connection…it’s
like…wow…this is really opening you…in a whole new way…isn’t it…and
you know you’re opening more….and more…now…because…this sense of
comfort and excitement you’re feeling…and with me… it’s like…you want
to share more and more of this…and like, with me…you know you are
destined to take this inside you…with me…this is how things are…with me,
I tell myself, This is right for you…with me…this is what life is about…can
you feel this?”
“With me…when you truly feel comfortable with someone, you
connect with someone…with me…personally…it’s like…time slows
down…and you feel yourself focusing on a door…deep inside you…and
this door spreads wide…and you can feel yourself sending out energy…to
me…when you send out this energy…you feel excitement…you feel even
more energy…from this person…begin to come…inside you…and you feel
a stronger and sense of possibility…a sense that you can feel this
connection… going deeper…deeper than you’d dreamed…warming
you…nourishing you…it’s healing …refreshing…with me…you feel more
and more connected…to me…it’s like you feel fibers of
light…energy…connecting you…to me…these fibers seem to go deeper
and deeper inside you…with me…it’s like these fibers…these strands…are
tying your heart…to me…it’s like…these fibers make you feel more and
more secure and safe…and the more you open…and feel this
connection…feel this sense of possibility…like a flower…spreading wide its
petals…to be filled by sunlight…this connection…to me…seems like its
making you feel closer and closer to this person…to me…this feeling of
closeness is like a private world…like you and this person are inside a
special…magical…glass sphere…a bubble…and outside this
sphere…everything seems small and far away and commonplace…and
inside…you…and this person…feel more and more
connected…together…fused…to me…this feeling is like knowing you are
meant to open completely…share everything that’s special about you…you
penetrate into the other person…emotionally …as this person…penetrates
into you…and you finally come…into a whole new place…a place of golden
colors…warm feelings…a sense of destiny…rightness…because this was
meant to be…with me, this is how I think about this…”
Feel every moment as if another part of yourself is opening to someone
as if you’re learning aboout all these parts of yourself because they are
opening now
and the more you realize how thoroughly you are enjoying the way they are
the more you are learning about yourself
and the more you discover what intense new connections
are now possible for you, here, with this person, in this place, in this phase
of your life.
“And when you feel this sense of possibility truly open your
mind…open your bodily…senses…open your thoughts…the feeling is
intense…with me…penetrating every part of you…it feels like it’s
pounding…and pounding…and pounding…at the locks…which keep you
from feeling…what you truly need…with me…this insistent pounding…this
relentless…irresistible energy…smashes down the barriers…and it
reminds me of what Cassandra, a friend of mine told me…about this time
she was swept off her feet…by this stranger…it’s funny…you can only get
truly swept off your feet by a stranger…she said she was visiting
Venice…standing outside a museum…when a man, an American…
approached her…and asked her to take a photo of him. He handed her a
camera…and as she focused on him…through the viewfinder…noticing
what was distinctive about him…noticing his confidence…his air of
strength…even power…the more she looked at him…the more she felt his
strength making her comfortable…and she felt this sudden tension…a
pleasant tension… an excitement…in her chest…and she could feel herself
anticipating… the click…of the camera. And after she took the photo, he
asked her if she’d been inside yet…all the way inside…really felt how great
it was…to go as deep as possible…and when he found out she hadn’t, he
led her inside… and she said his strength, his confidence was like this
wave of energy…pounding at the gate of her
heart…pounding…pounding…she could feel his strength…coming inside
her…even though her mind was saying no…she felt her heart melting…her
depths melting…opening…as she felt his energy
pounding…pounding…pounding…relentlessly…when he looked at her…it
was if she could feel his hand touch her cheek…her lips… her neck…her
heart…every… inch…of her…body…she thought of what another friend of
hers had told her about life in Barcelona, Spain…where people were
always making out, tearing off each others’ clothes…having sex…in
public…and she found herself imagining having sex with this guy…right
there… in the middle of the museum…him pinning her to the wall…tearing
off her blouse…as she tore at his shirt…because she could feel his
energy…so powerfully…the kind of energy any woman would have to
want…the kind of energy and power other women would fight her
over…and she wanted this energy only for herself…so that everything she
saw…and heard…and felt…inside…this place…this museum…felt like his
hand…his tongue…caressing her…tasting her…reaching places inside
her…no one else knew anything about…as if this whole museum was just
the manifestation of his power over her…and everything was saying to her
heart…to her body…to her soul… ‘You belong to me, and I will use you for
my pleasure’…And as they explored this…museum…more and more
deeply…thoroughly…find nooks…corners…that she imagined no one else
had ever seen…stopping to savor…and taste…and love…places she in
her wildest imaginings…in all the museums she’d visited she’d never
loved…she felt herself telling herself, ‘Yes, this is what you need…this man
is for you…right now’ …and eventually, he said, “Now it’s time,” and they
went straight to his hotel…and she says the sex was so intense, so
powerful…that it …made her feel truly alive…truly free… changed her
sense of who she is.”
“A friend of mine once told me about this Native American healer she met
-within moments of meeting him, she could feel his energy
penetrating inside her
-she sensed the resistance and uncertainly she ordinarily felt, when
attracted begin to all coalesce into a ball which shrank and shrank and
-revealing this void, wanting fulfillment, this place waiting to be filled
by power
-she felt her sensitivities intensify
-as if her nerves were being tickled with electricity
-as if her heart began to warm and melt
-it was as thorough and profound and undeniable as feeling him
undoing her hair, braid by braid
-undoing her blouse, button by button
-as if everything that might otherwise keep her from him was being
pulled away and she could feel herself, every inch of herself, being warmed
by his strength filled by his energy as she basked in her own beauty
-until her desire, her passion, like a river bursting through a dam,
burst into action and she looked into his eyes and then began to unbutton
her blouse
-she said when they made love, she felt like a glacier in her heart—
a glacier she’d never realized was there– cracked and melted, and a
warmth and freedom and strength she’d never known began to surge
through her.
-she says it was like the beginning of a new chapter in her life
-that reminds me of the way a friend was introduced into the bondage
-she was at a party and this man comes up to her
-very odd-looking—graying hair, middle-aged, short, ugly, intense
-he says, “you have trouble admitting it, but you need to feel
something new and powerful inside you”
-“you would like to feel yourself resist, then surrender”
-“you want to be overwhelmed by a greater power”
-“you can imagine feeling a belt tied around your wrist”
-“you can imagine kneeling, begging”
-“you can imagine being my slave”
-“you can imagine calling me Master, and removing your clothes on
my command”
-“I am parked outside, and you can imagine leaving this place with
entering my car, surrendering completely to an experience of total
-“because you now know you need to feel me inside you”
-“tonight you will serve my pleasure”
Friend told me about a party she’d been to. Her boyfriend had to work at
the last minute, so my friend went in moping about the fact that the man of
her dreams was elsewhere, thinking, “Oh, I’m just a shell of myself,
pretending to be happy. I’ll be light and cheery and no-one will know the
difference.” After a couple of hours, some guy approached her and started
At first she was flattered but also cautious. He talked about all sorts of
peculiar things—he was a chemist, and talked about the structure of the
atom and how things come together on a chemical and molecular level,
how some things just are meant to bond, and whatnot, and about physics,
and gravitational pull, and so on—all this abstract scientific stuff—yet
something about the way he talked made her feel more alive, as if there
were parts of her that were suddenly coming to life, and as if she could
actually have much more passion in her life than she realized. They talked
and talked and talked until she started to take matters into her own hands
and she said she wanted to get something from her car, and asked him to
walk her to it. And there she seduced him, and she said it was one of the
most empowering, liberating experiences in her life.
You’ve gone through life
Wondering if life
Your life
Your body
You’re mine
Your soul
Can experience
The connection
This special connection
Which can make it all worthwhile
The connection
The relationship
The experience
Of coming
With me,
The experience
As I see it,
That will reveal your moments of pain and loneliness
Of not having
The one who makes you feel so good
As he speaks to
And touches the deepest parts of you
The parts of you no one before has ever fully recognized
Ever fully reached
That will strip off
The old misconceptions
So you can understand that those moments of pain and loneliness
Were there
In order to make you open to
And capable of this
Open to and capable
Of spreading wide the deepest parts of yourself
So you can now enjoy recognizing
How good it is to really feel
This intensifying
Deepening sense
Of connection
Of climactically
And unconditionally
Of truly and utterly
The person whose presence
And energy
And words
Are penetrating
Deeper and deeper inside you
Opening up whole new realms of feeling
Whole jungles and swamps and valleys
Oceans and mountains
Whole dark continents
Of virgin territory
So rich and abundant
So lush and fruitful
That you can feel
Every flower within these dark continents
Growing moist with dew
And spreading open to suck in
The pulse of the sun
And feel the power of the sun
Push in and penetrate
Ever more fully
With every word he speaks
And every beat of your heart
is like his footfall
As he penetrates ever deeper
Inside this virgin territory
With a flag tied to a staff in his hand
And its secrets spread wide before him
As lush hidden valleys offer up
Their treasure
As if this world knows
That its treasures
Are meaningful
Only when shared
Only when the need for exploration
And the desire for discovery
The desire of being explored
The exploration of the beauty
Of the pleasure of surrender
To this special man
Only when he drives the flag
Deep into this lush virgin soil
And the world around him shudders
And the pleasures of building
Something beautiful
Begin to come to fill this world completely.
Because this kind of connection
This kind of communication
This kind of experience
Is exactly what reaches
The parts of you
That have waited so long
For this special experience
And known it’s only
going to become more wonderful now.
With me,
This is what makes life worthwhile,
this kind of connection.
APPENDIX ONE: The Pink Elephant Principle, or
Using Words to Create Experiences and Emotions
Language is a tool designed to make people fail to avoid thinking of
pink elephants.
As in, “I bet I can make you think of pink elephants.”
To understand that sentence and attempt to avoid thinking of pink
elephants, you of course must think of…pink elephants.
This little kids’ prank illustrates something general and useful:
Language stimulates. It makes you think imagine, think, feel.
To understand some concept expressed in language, you must, at
least for a split-second, inwardly translate it into a sensory experience. That
is, the words must conjure up an image, or a sound, or a feeling, or a taste,
or a smell—some hook on which that concept can hang. Words produce
associations. The more fully you want to understand what someone is
describing, the more you try to experience, in imagination, what that person
is talking about. Therefore, if you can get someone involved in what you
are talking about, and then describe really, really well that phenomenon,
your listener will experience the emotions associated with the emotion you
are describing.
To make someone experience something, just describe the
experience really richly and vividly.
Think of the matter this way: If you overheard someone talking
about falling in love, wouldn’t it encourage you to think about love? Could it
make you think about the last time you fell in love? Might it invite you to
remember how this feels, and consider how it fits into your life?
The Pink Elephant Principle, then, is this: Language produces
internal experience. Since we experience the world through our senses, it
is useful to describe the events of the world in terms of the senses, when
we wish to convey that event in a way which stirs the emotions. “I saw the
ocean” tends to stimulate a different response from a listener than “I saw
huge blue-green waves and lots of white foam,” which elicits a different
response than, “I saw huge blue-green waves–speckled with sunlight and
sparkling like crystal–relentlessly churn, splashing a cream of white foam,
as they rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and fell.” Though the last can
seem absurd (there being a difference between how language is
experienced as speech and how it is experienced on the page), it typically
evokes a richer experience than does the first, and therefore a stronger
emotional response.
More to the point, a detailed description–one which presents a blue
chair rather than simply a chair, a warm room rather than one with no
particular temperature, a room from which one can hear the sounds of a
sitcom and a passing 18-wheeler and the cawing of crows, rather than
simply noise–transports your listener to another location, the one which
you are describing. It enfolds your listener in a new experience.
When you are describing an emotional experience–becoming
fascinated, or becoming inspired, or becoming motivated, or falling in love,
to take common examples–you are providing instructions on how to have
that experience. When you mention an experience, your listener will think
about a time he/she had such an experience, or witnessed such an
experience, or will attempt to imagine what that experience would be like.
The stronger your listener’s feeling of rapport with you, and the more
emotionally open your listener is at that moment, the more fully your
listener will attempt to follow and learn from your instructions, so as to
experience what you describe. And when you describe that experience
very well–when you employ the techniques we’ll describe later in order to
engage your listener, your listener will likely incorporate this feeling into
his/her own inner landscape, so that your communication will have a lasting
effect on your listener’s choices, feelings, and beliefs.
(The above is excerpted from Gut Impact, available from
APPENDIX TWO: Internal Alignment,
Or, How to Look and Move and Sound As If You Mean What You Say
Just as external alignment—that is, seeming similar to your listener,
and matching your listener’s beliefs—increases your listener’s comfort and
receptivity, internal alignment—keeping all of your simultaneous verbal and
nonverbal messages similar—makes you seem more trustworthy,
attractive, compelling, and persuasive.
Your words should be supported by your voice, your posture, your
facial expression, and your gestures. For example, if you’re trying to create
excitement, you need to look and feel excited yourself to convey it. Your
eyes and face should look excited, your body should look excited, your
vocal tone and tempo should express excitement.
The more you exhibit an emotion, the more you can induce it.
Talking about arousal while looking scared tends not to work very
Produce the feeling in yourself before you attempt to produce it in
the other person. When you show the feeling you’re talking about, it gives
the other person courage to feel it.
Following are some shortcuts to Internal Alignment.
To make generating an intense response easier, try the following:
a. Generally, when you are describing an emotional state,
demonstrate that state. If you are talking about being reserved
or guarded, lean back, fold your arms, drain your voice of
energy; if you are talking about being excited, lean forward,
expose your chest, let your voice sound full and let it move
through high and low pitch ranges.
b. When you want to create suspense, or to suggest that you are
uncertain or having mixed feelings about what you are saying,
make your vocal pitch go up. After your pitch goes up, your
listener will instinctively expect your pitch to fall; if it does not, it
will sow doubt in your listener’s mind.
c. When you want to get your listener to do what you say, or
believe what you say, or experience something intensely, make
your vocal pitch go down. At the end of a statement, make sure
your pitch descends.
d. Gesture, rather than keeping your hands and arms immobile or
close to your body; gesture when delivering the most important
words in a given phrase, timing the gestures so that each lasts
as long as the accompanying word.
e. Slow your rate of speech–your tempo–to intensify your words’
impact; the slower your tempo, the greater your impact.
f. When describing something abstract or conceptual, occasionally
defocus your eyes and look up, as people do when they are
thinking of something. This suggests an intense involvement in
your own thoughts, which, odd as it seems, extends to your
listener an invitation to experience with equal intensity the state
you are describing.
g. When describing an emotional or tactile experience, slow your
speech down, nod your head down slightly, and momentarily
look downward as you speak.
h. After describing an intense state, push your fingers through your
i. The more physical space your gestures occupy, the more
confident you seem. The further from your body you gesture,
and the more space you place between your arms and your
chest, the more confident and powerful you seem. Don’t worry
about seeming grandiose; with practice, your expansive
gestures will become ever more closely synchronized with what
you want to express, and therefore, more and more persuasive.
Ultimately, you should think of your body, as well as the space around your
body, as a whole, a unit. This unit should be completely aligned, completely
involved in the expression of a particular emotion. Your body is a tool—
you should allow yourself to let the emotions you choose dictate the
movement, stillness, and variation of this tool’s every part.
Every part of you that does not reinforce your verbal message
dampens and deadens that message.
We call these nonlogical, nonverbal distinctions nuances.
Charisma, energy, and magnetism are associated with rich nonverbal
nuance, as is risk-taking. If you want to avoid notice, avoid nuance; if you
want to be in the spotlight or accumulate authority, cultivate it. Again, the
more emotion you exhibit to others, the more emotional response you can
elicit from others.
Additional tips:
When you want to suggest a black-and-white, no-options situation,
use a chopping gesture. When you want to suggest a range of options and
possibilities, use smoother, flowing gestures—a sweep of an arm, for
To project confidence and openness, keep your chest exposed and
perhaps your legs spread.
To project wariness or vulnerability, swing an arm or wrist across
your body, or cross your legs or ankles. A momentary gesture should be
Adjust your voice along a variety of parameters: don’t just make it
loud or quiet, but experiment with varying your tone (harsh or soft), tempo
(fast or slow), and timbre (full or thin). The more range you display, the
more impact your voice will have. And remember, the slower you speak,
the more impact each word has (though it is possible to go overboard on
When you smile, begin with the muscles around your eyes.
Use your hands to depict what you are describing.
a Spend a day noticing how different people respond to your usual
communication patterns. Pay attention to their communicative nuances-
-watch the regularity and intensity of their gestures. What physical
postures and poses do they assume, and in response to which
particular words, gestures, and shifts in vocal tone on your part? What
tones do their voices take? How quickly or slowly do they talk? How
animated are their faces?
b Spend a day communicating very crisply. Use no gestures. Minimize
your tonal variation. Leave your facial expression composed and
unchanging. Notice the effects on your listeners this time around.
c Spend a day using very elaborate gestures. Raise and lower the pitch
of your voice dramatically. Speak very quickly, and then slow down
your speech tempo drastically. Adopt a variety of postures. In some
conversations, use nuances that dramatize and reinforce what you are
saying; in others, use nuances which contradict the force of the point
you are making with your statements. For example, in one
conversation, when saying “You and me,” gesture toward yourself and
the other; in another, when saying the same thing, point vaguely to your
left and then to your right. Or say Yes with a deep and resonant voice,
nodding vigorously, and then compare this with saying Yes with a pitch
that goes up toward the end, while shaking your head from side to side.
Experiment with pushing whatever nuances you choose to the point of
caricature, and also to some point only a marginal distance beyond the
bounds of the behavior you’re used to.
Again, notice the effects.
d Think of a time you felt some strong positive emotion–awe or love
would both work here–toward the person with whom you were talking.
If you can’t remember such a time, pretend you’re someone else
experiencing the feeling you’ve chosen. When talking to someone,
secure rapport through Matching. Then, while saying nothing out of the
ordinary, employ the paralinguistic behaviors, the nuances, appropriate
to the emotional state you’ve chosen. Concentrate on expressing the
emotion with consistency rather than with overbearing force.
As ever, notice the responses.
Remember, the more emotion you exhibit, the more emotion you
(The above is excerpted from Gut Impact, available from
APPENDIX THREE: Examples of Pleasurable Descriptions
peach schnapps–warmth of alcohol in mouth and belly
moonlight on wave at night–crash-hiss of water;feeling breeze stirring
hair;smelling and tasting salt breeze
warmth of shower/bath when exhausted, feeling water comb through your
standing beside tropical waterfall, above lagoon; seeing fruit, low rainbow,
emerald leaves;hearing water splash, like a voice telling you what you’ve
been missing;can almost feel the strong and heavy waters all around you
and the waterfall blessing you; feel the moisture of the air
spartan intensity of the sahara, with your senses sharpened, sheer planes
of blue sky and gold sand, feeling naked before the elements, stripped of
your masks, confronted by your needs
cutting a ripe tomato, one that almost explodes w/desire to be opened–you
already know how shiny and slick it’s going to be, and how delicious it’s
going to taste
feeling part of a drumming circle, hearing and feeling the energy and sound
move through you, and even more powerfully, feeling yourself joined to
those with you, feeling something so powerful you can’t put it in words
blankets of incense and woodsmoke wrapping round you, warming you and
caressing you, penetrating through layers and walls into which solid things
cannot reach
hearing favorite song sung by new singer, in way that touches you in new
intrigued by new person, in way that compels you to think about this person
again and again
dancing with perfect rhythm, losing oneself in music, finding deeper part of
diving—being open to finding a new world of rich color and deep silence
feeling campfire’s light and warmth, sipping chocolate
lighting torch, feeling its heft in your hand, enjoying its light and warmth
driving in car, sure of your destination
being approached, recognized, validated when you have lost touch with
some part of yourself, and thereby having this part of yourself restored to
finding yourself wearing clothes that exactly express who you are
waking up, feeling full of energy
walking along balustrade, as sun breaks out from clouds
when person you’ve met only once before greets you with warmth and
profound love
when you make a small gesture and it changes someone’s life
a bite of chocolate coating your tongue, then taking a sip of champagne
on a cold winter night, climbing beneath a thick wool blanket and flannel

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3 Responses to

  1. helen triany simangunsong says:

    Masturbasi iTu wJaR oUg sAy bGi sTiaP CeWk cz bWt pELampiAsan nAfsu sCra tDk LaNgsUng! Aq aj hMpir tiAp hAri sAy cZ Q SuLit uTk mLepAskan nYa cZ mEniMbuLkan kEnikMatan tErSendiri” gt
    Sent via Facebook Mobile

    aku paling suka di tempat tidur, dgn posisi menelungkup dan menggesekkan puting ke spray.. sambil terus memainkan bag bawah pakai belakang jempol.. ditekan uuuch.., share dong pengalaman kamu aku basah nih…

  2. sinyo says:

    aku mao dong 😀

  3. Billy says:


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